Fallen Angel
by love a sexy trash can
Summary: For as long as Haruka could remember, Makoto was always a cheerful soul with a bright future ahead of him. If only he had known what a complete lie that was before it was almost too late. Depressed!Makoto AU
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! Welcome to my first Free! fanfic. Let me start off with a warning. This is NOT a happy fanfic. This deals with the harsh reality that is mental illness, eating disorders, negligence, isolation, worthlessness, and unfortunately, suicide. This is not to romanticize any of the things listed or anything else. Hopefully this will help raise awareness for these struggles that many people deal with every single day.**

 **Because this is to create an impact from the harsh reality we live in, there will be triggers. Don't worry, I'll put them up before each chapter begins.**

 **Trigger Warnings: mentions of not eating or lack of desire to eat, forced eating, mentions/thoughts of (implied) self harm, mild feelings and mentions of anxiety**

* * *

Haruka was suspicious. He made sure his expression remained steady as he watched Makoto from the other side of the pool.

The Iwatobi swim team was at a "joint practice" with Samezuka- really, it was just a meet up for all the swimmers to have fun and celebrate. Sousuke was the only Samezuka student not swimming; after all, his shoulder injury won't let him. Not that Haruka cared. He was, to say the least, concerned for Makoto.

Makoto was acting differently. Haruka was able to pick up the change right away. The taller teen seemed more quiet, even withdrawn. His mind had also been... drifting. His thoughts seemed elsewhere, his head turned in a position that reminded Haruka a lot of himself. A few times, he'd had forgotten to be at the end of the lane, hand held out when Haruka finished his laps.

Maybe it was just the stress of getting into college, Haruka had deduced a while ago. Makoto was susceptible to letting anxiety get the better of him.

Yet...

Haruka continued to watch his closest friend as he floated on the surface of the welcoming water, the aforementioned teen in the middle of giving Momotarou advice to improving his technique in the backstroke. He rolled his ocean-like eyes; how Makoto could put up with seemingly endless amounts of energy from one guy was beyond his comprehension. Then again, he lived with twins who demanded his attention every minute of the day.

Several hours passed when Rin finally decided it was time for his team to get out of the pool, suggesting the Iwatobi team do the same. Haruka lagged behind a little, enjoying the ripples the water made against his body. It'd be nice to just stay here, float into the welcoming and gentle arms of his-

"Haru-chan, time to go."

He could hear the smile and warmth before he actually saw it on his friend's face. Before he took hold of Makoto's hand, he grunted, "Drop the -chan."

"Sorry! C'mon Haru, the others are already changed. We're waiting for you." He just noticed Makoto wearing his normal attire. He sighed, silently apologizing to the water for leaving and making a promise to return again soon. He let Makoto pull him up and flashed another angelic smile.

Although he would never say it out loud, he treasured that smile.

After coming out of the locker rooms with a new pair of jammers underneath his shorts, Haruka met up not only with his teammates but with Rin and _his_ relay team.

Which included Sousuke. He squinted at the much taller male before restoring his stoic expression.

"What are you four doing here?" Haruka asked. Rin flashed his shark-like teeth.

"Well, to continue our fun, I thought we could go out to eat. My treat," Rin announced. Suddenly, Nagisa was cheering about how Rin was his most favorite person on earth, and Momotarou begged for Gou to be invited as well (Rin only glared at him, ending that conversation before it could start again for the umpteenth time); everyone else was more civil.

Makoto, Haruka noted, was _very_ civil. Quiet. It was a peculiar sight, his best friend so content with what was going on in front of him instead of trying to bring peace between his chicks like the mother hen he was. While it was nice not to have Makoto fussing over someone yet again, it was different from the usual.

Oh, never mind. He wasn't even watching the two boys in front of him glaring and Rei trying to shush Nagisa, face red with embarrassment. In fact, could Makoto even hear what was going on? Probably not; the wall seems particularly interesting today.

They all left for a café near Samezuka. It was small but still had plenty of people inside. Rin ordered drinks and had the others order what they wanted, finally paying.

Because it was slightly crowded inside, the two swim teams found tables outside. While they waited, Nagisa told jokes and had everyone listening. Even Makoto laughed at the jokes of the bubbly breaststroke swimmer, although he was just as intent on watching the sun slowly disappearing from the horizon, casting an orange tinge on everything it touched.

Everyone dug into their food once it arrived. Haruka was in the middle of his tuna sandwich (they didn't have mackerel) when he looked up. Of course, his eyes landed on Makoto.

They also landed on the barely touched bowl of green curry right in front of him.

"Makoto," Haruka forced out. Conversation ceased slightly, the silence interrupted only by Sousuke trying to stifle a belch. _Maybe you should stop drinking so much Cola, you idiot_ , Haruka thought. He tried to force that thought out and looked into Makoto's eyes...

Why did they shift? Makoto's gaze was usually steady. Before he could begin to ponder his friend's behavior, Makoto smiled.

"Yes, Haru-chan?" he asked in a gentle tone. Although he couldn't be certain, Haruka detected a slight waver in the taller boy's voice. He glanced at the food, willing Makoto to understand what he meant. He ignored the others and hoped they could hear his thoughts to go back to _talking_ like the peasants they are. "Oh. Sorry, Haru-chan. I wasn't hungry at the moment, and I guess I just spaced out," he said with a reassuring tone. He had a sincere look on his face, his eyes an exact match with his smile.

So why did it feel like he was lying? Before Haruka could think of anything else to say (like "Drop the -chan."), Makoto began to shove spoonfuls of curry in his mouth so quickly, the bowl was almost empty in a minute. For a moment, Makoto choked but forced it down. Haruka could actually see the strain of swallowing all that curry at once.

Hoping to lighten the mood, Rin ordered dessert for everyone except for Haruka and Sousuke, neither of them very fond of sweets. Nagisa and Rei shared a generously large slice of strawberry cake, Rin and Nitori nibbling at their _sakuramochi_ , Momotarou shoving _yōkan_ in his mouth, and Makoto...

Picked and smeared his chocolate cake. Maybe he really wasn't hungry, Haruka thought. He _did_ eat the green curry too fast. However, before Haruka could do anything about it, Makoto ate and finished the cake in seconds, albeit slower than with the curry. After a large swallow of water, he excused himself to the bathroom.

"Haru-chan?" Nagisa had waited until the green-eyed teen left. "Haru-chan?" he repeated, making sure he had his old friend's attention. He hummed. "Is Mako-chan okay?"

There it was. He felt like it wasn't his right to answer that question, but of course, Makoto would be okay. Better than okay. He just didn't want anyone to worry about him; that was why he forced himself to eat the way he did, Haruka concluded.

"He's okay." _I think._ Haruka didn't say that out loud. In fact, Makoto returned to the table with a smile and wanted to help Rin pay. Of course, there was the constant back and forth of "I got this" and "Please, it's the least I could do."

Haruka made friends with the strangest people.

* * *

They all went their separate ways until it was just Haruka and Makoto walking home together on the boardwalk. The former watched as the ocean glistened in the moonlight, ripples forming into small waves that met the sand. Truly a beautiful sight. Haruka was glad he lived in Iwatobi; this scenery could not be bestowed on everyone.

He was also glad Makoto lived here.

Wait. Makoto?

Haruka turned back. Makoto had stopped walking by his side and was gazing at the ocean just as he was moments ago. His eyebrows knitted together, his forehead frowning like his lips.

"Makoto." The aforementioned teen didn't even give him a side glance. "Makoto," Haruka repeated with the tiniest bit of force. Makoto turned his head, almost surprised that he was being called.

"Eh? Haru? Is something wrong?"

 _Are you okay,_ Haruka thought. It was a simple question, one Makoto would be able to understand and answer with ease. He received a soothing smile from the taller teen.

"I'm fine, Haru."

Why did it feel like he was lying again, even though he was telling the truth? Makoto was a terrible liar _and_ actor; Haruka would know when he wasn't telling the truth.

"We better go home before it gets too dark or cold, Haru-chan."

"Drop the -chan."

"I'm sorry! Sorry, sorry." Haruka rolled his eyes; Makoto never did change. Deep down, he may have preferred that more than anything. They continued to walk side by side, although Haruka noticed that _he_ was the one who had to slow down this time because _Makoto_ was the one taking steps in slow-motion, almost as is he was on the moon. Maybe that was where his thoughts were, too far away for Haruka to distinguish them.

Before they would separate at the stone steps, Haruka grabbed Makoto's wrist, keeping him in place for just a minute more.

"Haru?" The taller teen was confused. Haruka was not one for physical contact. He dived into his ocean-like eyes, deciphering every thought floating on the surface and sinking into their depths. They remained that way until Makoto found, _You know you can tell me anything, right?_ He gave Haruka another reassuring smile. "Of course. You know me, Haru. Don't worry."

Haruka's grip loosened and Makoto's arm fell to his side. The smile reached his eyes as he turned around and went up the steps. Haruka let a small smile touch his lips as he observed his best friend. Perhaps he was feeling anxious about the future as well. The anxiety must have been fueling the distorted thoughts of Makoto. Of course, Makoto would talk to him when he needed to. Why wouldn't he?

Walking up the steps to his home, Haruka sighed. Maybe he should've invited Makoto over for the night, just to keep an-

No. Makoto was going to be an adult, and so was he. They both need to grow up and get used to the reality of the world they'll soon be thrown into. They can't always be together, no matter how hard they wished they could be.

Still full from eating at the café, Haruka got ready for bed. Just before he drifted off into unconscious oblivion, a lingering thought wormed its way into Haruka's mind. _His wrist._ What did that mean?

Then he jolted up in bed. Makoto's wrist felt swollen in certain spots- no, lines. They felt like welts or something. They were also a litte red.

Shit. Makoto...

* * *

Haruka was out of the bath before Makoto walked up the stone steps (of course, he stopped to play with the white stray cat). He was there to open the door when Makoto first rang the bell.

"Oh, Haru-chan?" Makoto was a little shocked, to say the least. Perhaps some sense was finally knocked into him that they could one day be late for his antics. Then he changed his mind seeing Haruka only wearing his jammers underneath the apron.

"Drop the -chan," the aforementioned teen responded instinctively. He gestured for Makoto to follow him into the kitchen. As Makoto knelt at the table, Haruka asked in a steady voice, "Why is your wrist scratched?" Even though his voice never faltered and his tone seemed disinterested, bored even, his heart had a mild ache, his brain buzzing.

Makoto's eyes widened and looked down at his right wrist. Haruka was right, it _was_ scratched. The lines were vertical and some were red and slightly puffy, while the rest were scabs. His left wrist wasn't harmed. Makoto chuckled, leaving Haruka in a cloud of confusion for a moment.

"Must have been from playing with kittens and the twins all the time," Makoto answered with a smile pure and clean of lies. Whatever he saw in Haruka's face led him to ask, "What's wrong? What were you thinking, Haru?"

What _was_ he thinking? He didn't know how he jumped to the conclusion that Makoto was... Well...

Never mind. It didn't matter anyway; Makoto wasn't doing _it._ Now that he thought about it, Makoto was right-handed. If he were actually doing it, he wouldn't do it on his right arm. He softly chuckled at his stupidity.

This was _Tachibana Makoto_ , an angel sent by God himself for whatever reason. He would never do such a thing. He turned the stove off, finished grilling his mackerel for breakfast and lunch. He should really stop listening to Rin talk about American drama shows on TV.

"Doesn't matter," he finally answered, rather tersely in Makoto's opinion. Though, it was Haruka he was speaking with. He smiled.

"Well, hurry up or we'll be late even with the early start." Makoto stood up and went to go upstairs to spread out Haruka's uniform on his bed when he stopped and turned to the teen still in the kitchen, chewing his mackerel slowly. "I'm going to use your bathroom, okay?" Haruka hummed in response.

When it came to his favorite food, Haruka was a slow eater. However, he had finished his meal, packed his bento _and_ was dressed in his uniform (jammers underneath, of course), and Makoto _still_ didn't come out of the bathroom. Loosening his tie slightly, Haruka rapped on the door.

"Makoto?" SIlence. He pressed his ear against the door, trying to hear his closest friend's movements...

When the door suddenly flew open. Haruka lost his support and fell into Makoto's chest.

"Eh, Haru-chan! I'm sorry I took so long. Now we'll probably be late because of me!" Makoto cried out. Haruka only patted his arm, signaling all was fine. They silently left Haruka's home and began their walk to school.

They had also made it to class with a few minutes to spare.


	2. Chapter 2

**Welcome back. Now, this is a chapter that if you read between certain line properly, you will discover content that is potentially triggering.**

 **TW: reluctance to eat, covering skin, isolation, implied feelings of anxiety, discussion about the afterlife (just in case), implied self-harm, implied feeling of sadness and reluctance to return home.**

* * *

Haruka was not known as a "good student." His grades were fine, and his work, both home and in class, got him by; he just didn't pay attention all that often, preferring the window view of the ocean over his sensei and their endless droning.

However, Makoto may be besting him at his own game. His face rested in the palm of his left hand and, although he couldn't draw, was drawing _something_ in the corner of his notebook. Haruka wanted to see what it was, but he didn't want to risk getting in trouble.

Lunch could not come sooner. Haruka and Makoto met up with Nagisa and Rei at their usual spot on the roof. Nagisa was extremely jittery today (Rei commented that it was because of last night's cake and today's Iwatobi Surprise Bread), trying to get Haruka to try the excessively sweet bread again. Needless to say, Haruka was barely able to keep from slapping either the bread or Nagisa's face.

He may or may not have preferred to slap Nagisa. He was not going to that actual sugary hell again.

"Makoto-senpai, where is your bento?" Rei asked, pushing his glasses back up his nose.

How had Haruka not notice Makoto was empty-handed? The addressed teen seemed surprised (from hearing his name?) but smiled, scratching his cheek with his finger.

"I must have forgotten to grab it on my way out the door. I was rushing this morning, trying to get the twins out of bed."

That was a flat out, fucking disgusting _lie._ Haruka was surprised that his teammates and close friends even believed those words that somehow flowed so easily from Makoto's lips, rolling off his tongue so smoothly.

Yet he didn't call him out on it. Instead, he silently offered some of his mackerel to Makoto before the blonde devil with the sweet tooth tried to force the taller teen to eat the bread. He couldn't help but shudder; Haruka would never be able to understand how someone so small could eat so much of sickening confectionaries and still remain active and fit. Not even Makoto ate so many sweets, and he adored chocolate.

"Haru, I can't. That's your lunch-" Makoto tried to turn down Haruka's offer, but he cut off the taller teen midsentence.

"It _is_ my lunch, and I want you to have some of it." He speared a piece of mackerel with his chopsticks and held it up to Makoto's mouth. With hesitation, Makoto pulled the grilled fish off the chopsticks, moans of delight rumbling in his throat as he chewed. He swallowed before speaking.

"Haru, it's so good!" he praised. Haruka shrugged; he made it the same every day. He didn't understand why Makoto always made such a big deal about his cooking. Then again, it's a skill Makoto was horrible at. He'd be capable of burning water if that had not already happened in the past (much to Haruka's horror).

Feeling full, Haruka gave the rest of his mackerel to Makoto (after some coaxing) while Nagisa regaled in a tale of last night when he walked home with Rei.

By the time lunch ended, all of their bento boxes were empty. Even Haruka's. This time, Makoto ate the leftover food slowly, savoring each bite. Haruka felt relieved for no particular reason.

* * *

Haruka was already in the pool before the others could begin to strip down to their jammers and legskins. A loud cry of "Haru-chan!" was the only thing heard over the splash. He didn't even attempt to correct Makoto; the water was already taking him.

"Makoto-senpai?" Rei asked, observing something quite peculiar. His senpai looked over at him, hanging his goggles off his neck. "Why are you wearing your legskins underneath?"

Makoto was, in fact, wearing his legskins underneath his uniform and had been the entire day. He chuckled and scratched his cheek.

"Haru-chan always does it, so I decided to try it out. It felt a little odd, but I grew accustomed to it," he explained, cheeks dusted pink.

"Ooh! Mako-chan, that's so smart of you! We should do that too, Rei-chan! Then we don't have to worry so much about changing and just strip like Haru-chan!" the bubbly blonde shouted, his voice echoing in the locker room and capable of being heard from outside.

Makoto chuckled again and got up to leave, still able to hear Rei's response. "While time efficient, what about _underwear_ , Nagisa-kun?!" He was glad to have friends like Nagisa and Rei.

Since they didn't need to train for competition anymore, the Iwatobi swim team just relaxed and swam their afternoons away together. Not even Gou could force them to improve their times or how they could better their swimming; she just basked in the glory of their muscles.

The water was the one place where Haruka felt at peace. Yet today, there was something off. He couldn't place a finger or on it and that only irritated him more. Obviously, it wasn't his beloved water. Neither was the sky or the weather. It was bright and sunny, perhaps a bit too hot for any of their liking. It was a good thing all four boys were in the pool to keep cool.

So, what was it?

No matter how long he scrunched his nose, the nagging feeling of _wrong_ wouldn't leave him. Haruka let himself turn over and float, the breaks in the water calming into tiny ripples as he gently kicked his legs. Haruka opened his eyes and was welcomed by the sight of a pink and orange sky. Had time really gone by so fast? Without turning his head, he glanced at his surroundings. Of course, it was mostly water, but he could also make out the lane barriers and two of his friends in the midst of a splash battle. He could make out blonde curls and dark blue strands. Nagisa and Rei.

Where was Makoto? Since he couldn't see much anyway, Haruka got on his feet. Makoto was on his right, directly opposite of Nagisa and Rei. He was sitting on the edge, kicking his feet in the water. He was _here_ , but he also wasn't. Haruka swam over to him and, when he got close enough, tickled the bottom of his right foot.

"Haru!" Makoto laughed, bringing both of his feet up to his chest. "You know I'm ticklish there!"

"I know. Just wanted to see you smile," Haruka replied tersely. Really, who wouldn't want to see Makoto happy? It was like being having an angel by your side. A guardian angel, the more Haruka thought about it. Makoto smiled and _god_ , he looked so beautiful, the setting sun behind him, giving him a glow and even a halo.

He really did look like an angel.

"Thank you, Haru. I needed that." He slowly stood up. "It's getting late. I'm going to change." He left before Haruka could ask him to repeat what he said.

 _I needed that?_ What the hell did that mean? He pulled himself underwater, trying to clear his head. The statement made no sense. Makoto always smiled and laughed; he didn't need to be told that-

 _STOP._ Haruka hit his temple with the heel of his palm, realizing was worrying again. Makoto wasn't acting like himself today; the tickling was probably just a pick-me-up, that's all. He was being so stupid.

Maybe something had happened with his family and he was upset about it. Was Ran or Ren getting bullied? No, of course not. Anyone in their right mind would never even _think_ to say or do bad things to a Tachibana. He chuckled softly to himself.

Unsurprisingly, Haruka was the last person out of the pool. Makoto was already fully clothed when he held out his hand for the smaller boy to take. Makoto waited on a bench while Haruka changed into a fresh pair of jammers and clothes to cover up. It really wasn't socially acceptable to wander around town half naked. If it was, Makoto would bet his ass that his closest friend would do that at all times.

Nagisa and Rei waved goodbye to their senpais as they got on the train, leaving the two to walk home. They stopped by the convenience store, Makoto paying for their favorite flavor of popsicle. He broke the two bars apart evenly and handed one to Haruka.

"I can't believe it's still so warm so late in the evening," Makoto commented. Haruka hummed. The air felt sticky; it might rain later tonight. Maybe he'll stay up a little later just to listen to the sound of rain pattering against his roof and windows. "Haru?" Makoto spoke up again, interrupting his thoughts.

"What?" Makoto scratched the back of his neck, suddenly embarrassed with what he had to say. Haruka mentally urged him on. Sure, he can be naïve and said stupid things, but they were stupid things Haruka was lucky enough to hear.

"Do you... Um... Do you believe that... Never mind, it's not important." Makoto did his best to shove as much of the popsicle in his mouth as possible without choking to avoid talking again. Haruka raised an eyebrow.

"Tell me." Haruka bit into the last of his popsicle to silence him longer. Makoto took it as a sign to continue.

"Do you believe in... In an afterlife, Haru?"

It wasn't a question he expected, but Haruka understood why Makoto was so hesitant to ask it. It was never a topic they discussed and to be completely honest with himself, the smaller boy never pondered long enough on it to form an opinion. So he began to shrug but stopped.

Makoto was practically an angel sent by God, a well-known fact to everyone alive on earth. If this were true, there may just be a life after this one. So he settled for a simple, "Maybe."

Makoto smiled. "A simple answer. Seems just like you, Haru-chan."

"Drop the -chan." For some reason, that made Makoto laugh really hard. Not that that was a bad thing.

"Goodnight, Haru." Makoto waved goodbye as he watched Haruka walk up the steps. With Haruka's back toward him, Makoto let the smile fall from his face. Finally...

Suddenly, Haruka turned back to give a proper goodbye. He didn't know Makoto had a falter in his smile. He also didn't notice the difference between the smile he saw before and the one he was staring at now.

"'Night." Then he went inside, Makoto waiting just a moment longer. The little stray cat came out and Makoto held out his arms to her. He picked her up, tickling her little toes.

 _Like jelly beans._ Makoto looked up again and knew that Haruka wouldn't come out again. Then he ducked, not wanting his parents to realize that he was home just yet. _It'll only be for a few minutes_ , he thought.


	3. Chapter 3

**As mentioned before, this is a story where you have to read between the lines constantly, which can lead to discovering the triggers that I have listed.** **TW: body image issues, constant use of bathroom (some people will understand this one), discussion of bowel movements (thanks, Rei), implied "use" of laxatives, a lot of mints (THERE IS A REASON BEHIND THIS), mention of razors, and rapid/binge eating.**

* * *

Nagisa and Rei ran ahead of Makoto into Sports Zero. They were there to, obviously, get new swimsuits (meaning, they were going to try dozens of different suits on and only buying about two things because they're practically broke). Haruka wasn't with them for obvious reasons.

"Rei-chan, this would look good on you!" Nagisa called from one aisle, holding up the Speedo.

"Nagisa-kun, I will not wear a swimsuit like that again!" Rei sputtered. Makoto laughed to himself. The second years' dynamics never got old or boring to him. He hitched up the bag he brought with him over his head and across his chest. Now it wouldn't start to fall.

"Mako-chan, are you going to try on swimsuits?" Nagisa asked, already holding up a pair of jammers closer to the third year's size. They seemed nice, Makoto reasoned, but then he'd have to take off all his clothing...

He shook his head, an apologetic smile plastered on his face. "Thanks but no thanks, Nagisa. I have plenty at home." The smallest of the trio let out a disappointed sigh before composing himself.

"Well, I definitely like this brand! I'm trying it on!" Nagisa ran off into one of the changing rooms scattered around the store.

"Maybe you should accompany him."

"I believe so, Makoto-senpai."

"I need to go to the bathroom. Will you be done with purchases by then?" Rei looked over at the registers. They came rather early so there weren't many people. Makoto wasn't going to buy anything and Rei only expected to buy one or two suits between him and Nagisa.

"Yes, I believe so." Makoto smiled.

"Good. I'll meet you up front." Then he left, taking his bag with him before Rei could offer to hold onto it for him.

It took a lot of debating and shouting before the two second years settled on buying three suits and a new swim cap. Nagisa would not explain how he ripped his, and Rei wasn't entirely certain if he really wanted to know. They had paid for their items a few minutes ago and were now waiting for Makoto.

"Where's Mako-chan?" The bubbly blonde asked his spectacled companion. Before Rei could even draw a breath to answer, Nagisa squinted his eyes. "Is he in the bathroom? _Again?_ " Rei sighed; so he had also noticed Makoto-senpai's newfound habit.

"Yes. Perhaps we should ask him if he is having troubles with bowel movements. If so, I suggest we stop by a pharmacy and buy him laxatives. Of course, I need to make sure I have enough money..."

" _Oooooorrrr_ ," Nagisa interrupted, "we could ambush him inside and get him to tell us right now!" Even though he was shorter than Rei, Nagisa was so close to his face that his glasses were fogging up.

"And how is _that_ a good idea?" Nagisa only shrugged, a smirk on his face. "Do you ever think about what you say before it leaves your mouth?!" Before Nagisa could answer without missing a beat, Makoto ran out the store.

"I'm so sorry! I don't know why I went looking for you in the store! I'm so stupid," Makoto blurted out, both hands clutching the strap of the bag. After catching his breath, Makoto smiled. "So, you got what you needed?" Rei nodded and went to show off the beauty and efficiency of each item, but Nagisa stepped closer to Makoto's personal space. "Uh, Nagisa?"

"Is there something wrong, Mako-chan?" Nagisa asked. His tone and facial expression screamed concern; Makoto's eyes flickered with panic.

"W-why do you ask?" He tried to laugh it off, but one look at Rei told him they're suspicious of _something._

"Makoto-senpai, if you're having any problems with your digestion, we will gladly help you. Are you having issues with bowel movements?" Rei started off his interrogation, ignoring Makoto's rapidly reddening face. "You've just been going to the bathroom so often and for long periods of times. We're worried about you."

Makoto's face eventually cooled down to a soft pink on his cheeks. He smiled at them both. "I... Guess I have been having problems with that. But I can deal with-" Then Nagisa interrupted him, practically screaming in his ear.

"Great! Let's go buy you some shitting pills!" He grabbed Makoto's arm and pulled him as hard as he could (which was surprisingly enough for Makoto to take several steps so he wouldn't fall on top of the smaller boy).

"Nagisa-kun! Language!" Rei shrieked.

* * *

Makoto, after explaining that he had brought his own emergency money, went to one side of the pharmacy while Rei and Nagisa went to the other, the latter trying to convince the former to buy him some strawberry-flavored candy. They met by the entrance (Nagisa chewing on said candy) when Rei saw the bag Makoto carried in his hands was almost bulging. He raised an eyebrow but didn't question his senpai further.

 _He must already be embarrassed by our approach to his problem. It would not be wise to make him even more flustered_ , he thought. Rei gave himself a mental pat on the back. _Haruka-senpai would be so proud of us._

"Mako-chan?" Nagisa broke the silence between them after a few minutes of walking. After turning his head to look down to the smaller boy, he continued. "Your breath smelled minty. Can I have some of whatever you had?" Makoto chuckled and was about to pull something out of his bag when Rei interjected.

"Nagisa-kun, I already bought you that sickeningly sweet candy. Do not try to weasel out anything more from Makoto-senpai," Rei lightly scolded. Nagisa pouted but still eyed the bag in Makoto's hand.

"Rei, it was really okay. I have more than enough to share with Nagisa. If you want, you could have some mints too." After some fumbling around in the contents of the bag, Makoto pulled out an already opened packet of mints and offered two to each of the second years.

"Yes! Mako-chan, you're the best!" Nagisa cheered and added the mints to the remainder of the candy still in his mouth. Rei smiled and thanked Makoto, who just waved it off, saying it wasn't that big of a deal. Unlike his companion, Rei placed one mint on his tongue, carefully pocketing away the other. It felt like a smart decision, and it tasted like it too. The mint was very sweet but a powerful cool to it. He wasn't exactly sure how Nagisa could chew on both at the same time. While the mint slowly dissolved on his tongue, a question popped into the spectacled boy's head.

 _Why did he need to buy mints?_ Then he mentally shook his head. It was most likely bad breath or maybe even just a desire to have mints to chew on throughout the day.

"So, Makoto-senpai, what else did you buy?" Rei asked, having already forgotten about his initial thought of leaving Makoto be. Makoto's mouth formed a small "o" before checking the contents of the bag.

"Well, of course, the laxatives and the mints. I also bought some chocolate and razors." Nagisa gasped, rather dramatically in Rei's opinion.

"Mako-chan, you _shave_?! How have I never known this? Does Haru-chan know?!" Nagisa gripped the taller boy's arm as he laughed at the smaller boy's apparent shock. Rei pushed his glasses higher up his nose.

"Makoto-senpai is an almost two-meter tall man with raging hormones inside him, Nagisa-kun. Of _course,_ he would be shaving at this point!" Rei explained almost as dramatically as Nagisa's initial reaction.

"But I'm not shaving! I don't know if Haru-chan's shaving, and aren't you shaving? _Why am I the only one not shaving?!_ " he shrieked.

"That's because you're tiny, Nagisa-kun!"

"Low blow, Rei-chan. Low blow."

Makoto laughed once more at the second years' antics.

* * *

Haruka invited himself into the Tachibana residence after three knocks. He was instantly ambushed by two ten-year-olds. Ran and Ren clung to his clothed appendages as he was greeted by Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana.

"Makoto is up in his room. He'll be down in a moment," Mrs. Tachibana informed her son's closest friend without needing to hear his question. He nodded and sat down at the dinner table, listening to Ran and Ren's tall tales from this morning. As predicted, Makoto came down the steps and greeted Haruka in a matter of moments. Mr. Tachibana joined the four of them at the table, testing out "new" dad jokes. The twins found them hilarious; Makoto chuckled and Haruka may or may not have let a small smile break through his defenses at one or two jokes.

The moment after they gave thanks for "the wonderful and delicious meal my beautiful wife has prepared for us," Makoto began to shovel the food into his mouth in a rather gluttonous manner.

"Makoto, slow down! You'll choke!" Mrs. Tachibana exclaimed while laughing. She could tell her son was enjoying the meal and that relieved her from a lot of stress the past few weeks. Makoto swallowed thickly before apologizing, then resuming to eat the same way. He did slow down slightly, Haruka noticed.

While everyone else around him was halfway done with their meals, Makoto was scrubbing his dishes clean, as well as the pots and pans his mother used to cook. _Always so helpful_ , Haruka thought with a shadow of a smile. Makoto excused himself to go to his room, effectively leaving Haruka with his loving family. Normally, Haruka would feel uncomfortable in situations like this, but he was used to the Tachibanas. He'd probably grown up with them longer than he'd grown up with his own parents.

After insisting on helping Mrs. Tachibana with the dishes, Haruka went upstairs to Makoto's room. He found the taller boy on his bed, reading a book, wearing his glasses and chewing on _something_. He didn't need to make his presence known; he just sat down at the foot of Makoto's bed and waited for him to bookmark his page. When he did, Makoto gave him a smile that almost felt like it was just for Haruka alone.

"What are you chewing?" Haruka asked to get it out the way.

"Oh, a mint. Do you want one?" Seeing the hint of hesitation that only he could detect, Makoto added, "I also bought some that aren't as sweet as the normal flavors." Then Haruka nodded. Makoto understood. He always did. Makoto got up and grabbed a small, unopened container. He carefully tore away the plastic and opened it, offering two mints to Haruka. He put one in his shirt pocket and places the other on his tongue. Makoto was right, it wasn't as sweet and it suited Haruka just fine.

"Thank you."

"It's no problem, Haru." Makoto grabbed two controllers on his bedside and gave one of them to Haruka. "What do you want to play?"

"Mario Kart." _I **will** beat you this time, Tachibana Makoto _was the unsaid message. Makoto only laughed.

 _Only in your wildest dreams, Haru._

They played dozens of rounds to the point that Haruka was one more loss to Makoto close to screaming and chucking the controller at the wall. That never happened because the twins ran into their older brother's room, begging for a bedtime story. Makoto apologized to them for almost forgetting and to Haruka for not being able to finish their game. Although that apology wasn't as sincere with that mischievous glint in his emerald green eyes Haruka saw with his ocean blue ones. He only brushed it off and bid the Tachibana family goodnight, giving Makoto's arm a gentle squeeze.

Haruka never did beat Makoto at any of the races. (Makoto whooped his ass on Rainbow Road.)


	4. Chapter 4

**TW: feeling of sadness, mentions of anxiety and stress, Sousuke's shoulder pain (because why not), talking about your future, a quick outburst of anger, using the bathroom (I wonder if anyone understands this one), avoiding another person after outburst, mentions of insomnia and headaches, using legal drugs to deal with anxiety and insomnia, wincing in pain, a child's nightmare, and the kitchen (also something special).**

* * *

"Rin, are you fucking kidding me?!" Sousuke shouted as the redhead cackled. How could he do this to his best friend, his partner in crime, his _roommate_? There must be justice!

Rin bought the last Cola from the vending machine.

"Relax, you big baby. Get something else to drink. Maybe something healthy, like... _Water?_ " Rin teased, taking another swig of the carbonated drink.

"Last I checked, I wasn't the baby who cried over having his sheets being soaked when they were borrowed to use as a barrier in a pillow war among the first and second years," Sousuke shot back.

"There was no consent, Sousuke!" The taller man only rolled his eyes. " _Anywaaaaay,_ I need to train again today and someone has to go 'grocery shopping,' I guess. Can you do it?"

"I would, but you know what would happen once I wander off," Sousuke responded, trying to avoid shopping altogether. Rin nodded with a rather smug look on his face. "No."

"So, who's your travel companion?" Goddamnit, Rin. First, he bought the last Cola, then he apparently planned this shit. Sousuke rubbed his chin, knowing Rin won't let him get out of the situation. Who did he feel most comfortable with?

Aii and Momo were off the list. Sousuke loved them, really. It's just that Aii can get a bit too clingy and Momo was just compacted energy and a beetle obsession mutated together to form a human being. He wasn't necessarily close to anyone else on the Samezuka team, so they were all disqualified. Of course, Rin couldn't accompany him.

That left the Iwatobi boys. He didn't want to include Gou in this because he didn't want to bother the girl he's always seen as a younger sister while she hung out with her friends. Nanase was _definitely_ excluded; he would never stop giving him the stinkeye. The blonde boy was also a big no-no; like Momo, far too energetic to keep up with. The spectacled one would probably try to create theories on what time to buy the foods to be at the peak of their freshness.

That left Tachibana.

The more he thought about it, the more comfortable Sousuke felt about going shopping. He liked Tachibana, but then again, who wouldn't? He was shy but a good talker. Sousuke knew from observing his friendship with Nanase that he didn't have to talk much. He also seemed to actually know his way around a supermarket. Sousuke scoffed.

"Fine. I'll go with Tachibana." Rin smirked.

"You sure you don't want to go with Momo, or-"

" _No._ "

* * *

Not only was Makoto a good talker, but he told his stories with an adorable enthusiasm. Sousuke smiled as the slightly shorter teen told him about the time when he first touched an orca at the aquarium.

"Anything else we need?" Makoto asked. Sousuke looked at the list.

"Nah, we're done. Thanks for joining me, Makoto." The addressed teen smiled.

"It's not that big of a deal. I needed to get out the house anyway." Makoto smiled at the slightly taller man. If Sousuke was completely honest with himself, that smile warmed his insides a little. _How is he friends with someone like Nanase?_

Sousuke paid for all the items. Unfortunately, he could only carry one bag due to his shoulder. It didn't bother Makoto to carry two; in fact, he insisted on carrying all three as to not burden Sousuke with the "heavy" bag. Sousuke thought it was rather odd that Makoto was so willing to bend over backward for everyone he met, especially when he had been carrying a rather bulky bag across his body the entire time. They left the store and took a circuitous path through the park. Sousuke offered to buy sweet buns for the both of them, and that's how they ended up sitting on a bench, thoughtfully chewing on the bread.

"So, Makoto," Sousuke started, "what do you plan to do with your future?" Makoto swallowed.

"I'm going to college in Tokyo. I'm also going to be a coach so I can teach little kids how to swim." He smiled warmly, but... "I enjoy being with kids."

Sousuke wasn't always the best at reading other people except for Rin, but there was something about the gentle giant beside him that he knew wouldn't sit well with him if he didn't figure it out. He furrowed his eyebrows and tried to listen to Makoto's story about Hayato, Kisumi's little brother when his shoulder flared up. He grunted and grabbed it, trying to knead away the pain.

"Sousuke? Are you alright?" Makoto's motherly side instantly took over, his hands replacing Sousuke's and soothed the ache with his fingers. "Do you need anything for the pain?"

Sousuke shook his head; he wasn't some little kid who couldn't handle a bruise. Well, in reality, this injury was not a bruise but still. "I'll be fine," he grunted out. However, Makoto wouldn't let that slide. He reached into his bag and pulled out a circular yellow container, his left hand still on Sousuke's shoulder. He popped the top open and held a red tablet up to the slightly taller man's mouth. "What?"

"It's to help with stress. You feel really tense, so this might help." Sousuke, still a bit chary, took the tablet. "Don't chew it. Just let it melt on your tongue, okay?"

It wasn't very sweet but it wasn't bitter either. They stayed that way for several minutes, Makoto massaging Sousuke's shoulder and the raven savoring the taste of the dissolving tablet. It _did_ help, surprisingly; Sousuke felt less tensed, especially on his shoulder. Makoto smiled at him.

"Better?" Sousuke nodded. "Good." Sousuke saw that the container was full of those tablets before Makoto closed it and stored it in his bag again.

"What are those?"

"They're to help with stress. I've been having a lot of anxiety lately, what with college and all, so I bought these a while ago. They're all natural too, and I like the taste," Makoto explained. Stress tablets, huh? Sousuke wondered...

"I'm sorry. I know you just put it away, but can I see that?" Sousuke gestured to Makoto's bag. The green-eyed man hesitated but obeyed. Sousuke turned the container over and read the instructions and warning label. _Especially_ the warning label.

"Makoto, just be careful when you take these. You know you can overdose on these, right?" The addressed teen's mouth formed a surprised "o". So he didn't know. "How many have you had already?"

"Only two and they weren't even on the same day."

"I think that's okay. One a day should be good enough." He handed the container back to its owner.

"Thank you for telling me, Sousuke. Truthfully... I didn't bother to read the bottom." Makoto scratched his cheek rather sheepishly. Sousuke resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"I think we should go now, Makoto. Thanks again." Sousuke got up and attempted to toss the wrapper that held his sweet bun into the nearest trash can with his left hand. He was off by a meter or two. "Damn." Makoto giggled, the sound not unlike wind chimes in a summer zephyr.

"It was an attempt. I got it." He stood up and picked up the wrapper and threw both his and Sousuke's away. "And thank you for inviting me. But..." Sousuke leaned closer. "I need to use the bathroom."

It was an overstatement to say Sousuke _laughed_ at that, but he still found it humorous. "You're practically an adult, Makoto. You don't have to ask me."

"Yeah, but I don't want you to get lost without me," Makoto shot back. Sousuke rolled his eyes. Of course, Makoto knew about his lacking sense of direction.

"I'll be fine. I'll stay right here. Here, let me hold into your bag for-" Before he could finish speaking, Makoto jumped back from his outstretched arm.

"No!" It came out as a shout and Makoto instantly became flustered. "I-I'm sorry. I just- I don't- I'm _fine._ I can carry it just fine," he stuttered out, the blush reaching his ears. Before Sousuke could say he didn't have to apologize, Makoto half-spedwalked, half-ran in a different direction. His hand was tight around the strap of his bag to the point of his knuckles becoming white. More than a little stunned by the angelic boy's outburst, Sousuke sat back down. At least now he wouldn't get lost.

(Okay, he did, but he saw someone selling Colas and he _needed_ one.)

* * *

Ran and Ren collided against their brother the moment he came through the threshold of the front door. They called out for their brother's attention, hoping against hope it would be undivided for only one of them. Ran showed off her crude drawing of a family of ducks, while Ren tried to explain how he got a new high score on one of his favorite video games.

Mrs. Tachibana laughed as her eldest son was dragged off into the twins' room. How she and her husband were blessed with such jovial, loving children is beyond her comprehension.

"Onii-chan, read us a story!" Ran shouted, already pulling out several books from the shelf. " _The Princess and the Frog_! Read this one!" Ren made a face.

"Ew, gross! Read _The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe_!"

"That's boring!"

"No, it's not!"

"Stop fighting, you two!" Makoto raised his voice slightly, knowing his siblings will hear him over their bickering. He knelt down and looked them both in the eyes, a warm smile on his face. "How about I read somethung else? _Redwall_ , maybe?"

The compromise pleased the twins. Makoto hadn't read the book in a while and they loved the voices he used for the characters. Makoto grabbed the old but cared for copy of the book and sat down on the floor against the wall. Ran and Ren rushed over to sit on their older brother's lap. They made themselves comfortable...

When Makoto let out a hiss between his teeth. Ran was the first to react.

"Onii-chan, are you okay?"

"Are you hurt?" Ren followed up. Makoto gathered his composure and chuckled.

"I'm fine. It's just that you two have gotten so big. There may come a time where neither of you will be able to sit on my lap again!" He laughed even harder at the twins' faces of horror.

* * *

Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana tucked their children into bed and kissed them goodnight. However, before they could leave the room, Ran called out to them.

"I've been having nightmares. Can I sleep in your room?" she whined. Her mother stroked her hair, a smile that only a mother (and Makoto) could muster.

"Try sleeping here tonight and if you can't, just come straight into our room. You too, Ren." The young boy nodded, half-asleep. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," their father whispered. They shut off the light and closed the door slowly. Mr. Tachibana stretched and said he would make their bed. His wife thanked him and went downstairs to get a drink of water. When she entered the kitchen, she was greeted by her older son swallowing something down, chugging half the water from the bottle in a few gulps.

"Makoto, is there something wrong?" Her motherly instincts were starting to kick in. Her eldest had a hard time breaking old habits, a perfect example being him hiding behind his childhood friend whenever he's scared. She remembered when he would always come into the kitchen at night whenever he had a nightmare or just couldn't sleep as his bedtime used to be much earlier. (It was also due to the fact that Makoto held the belief that mothers slept in kitchens because his was almost always in theirs throughout the day.)

However, her son only smiled the way he always did. Well, he _tried_ to. She was a mother; she always knew when there was something wrong with her children. "I'm fine, Mom. I'm just tired and have been having a lot of headaches lately. I hope you don't mind that I took these." He showed his mother the bottle of painkillers behind him. They were also sleep aids. Mrs. Tachibana took them whenever she fell ill. She smiled back at her son and gently squeezed his shoulder.

"It's alright. You're free to use those when you need them. Just don't take them all the time. A friend of mine said they can become harmful if you do." She spotted the small light glimmer in her son's eyes. Sometimes she wondered how her son could be so naïve, although she couldn't necessarily blame him for that trait. He always expected the best out of every person and situation in his life.

"Okay. I'll be careful. But... Why did you get such a big bottle?" Mrs. Tachibana laughed.

"When you're a parent of three kids, life is a bit stressful and sleep is a miracle." Makoto let out a gasp.

"Am I really that much trouble?" He sounded... Genuinely hurt by what she said. She shook her head and squeezed his shoulder again before letting her arm fall to her side.

"Of course not! You've always been a walk in the park. You're so cheerful and kind to everyone around, it made me wonder how I got so lucky to have you as a son." She could see Makoto's body relax. "Now, go to bed. Those pills are tiny, but they kick in very quickly. Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Makoto repeated.

Twenty minutes later, he was already snoozing in the comforting warmth of his bed.

* * *

Ran dragged her blanket and hugged her pillow closer to her body. She had another nightmare. This time, it was about Onii-chan, and it was really painful to just watch. Someone was hurting him in her nightmare, which was a horrible crime in Ran's eyes. Why would anyone want to hurt her big brother?

She knew she could go into her parents' room, they said so themselves. But...

She stood just before Makoto's door. Just for tonight, she would find comfort in the arms of her big brother. She pushed the door open.

He was fast asleep in bed if the soft snores were any indication. Maybe if she was extremely careful, Ran could sleep in her brother's bed without waking him. She tiptoed into the bedroom and lowered herself onto the bed. She snuggled close to her brother. Already, she felt safer.

"Ran?" a voice groaned. Dang it, she woke Onii-chan anyway. Makoto tried to keep his groggy eyes open, his green irises almost dull. "What's wrong?" he slurred.

"I had a nightmare, Onii-chan. C-can I sleep here tonight?" Ran stuttered, giving her brother the puppy eyes. Not that she needed to; she was already nodding.

"Sure, just be quiet. And don't kick me this time." Ran giggled softly.

"Okay, Onii-chan. Goodnight." She turned onto her side, already feeling tired.

While Ran's breathing steadied, Makoto was slowly becoming more awake, despite his body's protests to sleep longer. He couldn't help it; his brain wouldn't let him. Without waking his sister up, Makoto got out of bed and went downstairs into the kitchen. He saw all that he needed to get through the night.

But first, some tea.


	5. Chapter 5

**TW** **: implied insomnia, tiredness, negligence, avoiding others, covering skin, dark drawings, random outbursts of anger, unwillingness to eat, lying, stomach growling, and in a slump.**

* * *

Haruka splashed water against his face. He didn't know what time it was, but he knew that Makoto should've been here by now to coax him out the bath. He wanted to wait for Makoto to hold out his large hand, but it wouldn't really help either of them in school if they're late. He unplugged the drain and stayed in the bath until almost all the water was gone. Drying himself off, Haruka went down to fry his mackerel.

Haruka was already in his uniform when he heard a knock on the door, followed by a soft, "Haru?" For the second time, he opened the door. Makoto had a surprised look on his face, but it was quickly overwhelmed by his smile and something else. "Good morning, Haru-chan. Are you ready to go?"

Tired.

He was tired. Haruka didn't know how he came to that conclusion so late. Normally, he would've known at first glance or even from hearing Makoto's voice. So why couldn't he today?

"Are you okay?" Haruka didn't have it in him to inform Makoto that he was late, or to "drop the -chan." Rarely would Makoto ever present himself as someone who didn't get enough sleep the previous night. His eyes widened as if surprised by Haruka's concern. Maybe he should be less reserved, but _only_ for Makoto.

"I'm fine, Haru-chan. Don't worry about me." He smiled but this time, Haruka knew it was forced. His eyes didn't crinkle in the corners like they usually did. "C'mon, Haru-chan. We're going to be late if we wait any longer." Makoto was already out the door before he finished his sentence. Is he...

 _Is he avoiding me?_ Haruka shook his head. As far as he knew, Makoto had no reason to do so.

Right?

* * *

The walk to school was quiet, awkward even. Makoto had to suppress multiple yawns and he tugged his short sleeves as far down as he could. He wasn't trying to have a one-sided conversation with Haruka, and the shorter teen wasn't sure how he felt about that. He was used to the other's gentle voice chuckling softly at his own stories.

He wanted to hear his voice. _Now._

"Get enough sleep, Makoto?" Haruka started off. Makoto turned to his left slightly. It was a stupid question, he already knew that, but it was a start.

"Is it that obvious?" Uncomfortably, Haruka nodded. "Sorry. It's just that my sister came into my room because of a nightmare last night. She woke me up by accident and I couldn't go back to sleep," Makoto explained with an embarrassed scratch of his cheek.

"Sleep over tonight," Haruka responded tersely. Instantly, Makoto tried to deny his request.

"Haru-chan, I possibly couldn't! You don't have to do that for me! I can just tell Ran to sleep in my parents' room and-"

"You know her. She wouldn't listen or remember," Haruka interrupted. "You need sleep. And to stop calling me -chan already." _End of discussion_ was the unsaid part that Makoto heard loud and clear. Makoto smiled again, except this one wasn't forced.

It was just sad.

* * *

Makoto was drawing _something_ again. This time, it wasn't a rapid moving side to side, but a careful stroke of his pencil. Haruka flicked his eyes up to the teacher. Their back was turned. He risked a glance over Makoto's shoulder.

It was a really thick loop. It started as a straight line, then curved down into a circle before returning to the line again. There were at least six small ovals just above the attempted circle. Haruka stared for a few more seconds before Makoto looked over, feeling his gaze. His arm shifted and the crude drawing was covered. He frowned and returned his attention to the teacher, adamantly taking notes.

He wasn't so sure but Makoto seemed... _Angry_ that Haruka saw what he was doing. Okay, not angry but something negative. Like, he regretted doing it in the first place. As if the drawing was not meant for Haruka's eyes. It was on the tip of his tongue...

Had the bell not rung, signalling a lunch break, Haruka would've realized it was _guilt._

* * *

"Makoto-senpai, you forgot to bring bento again?" Rei asked. Once again, the addressed teen was empty-handed. He shrugged and tried to laugh it off. He _tried_ to.

"I've been a bit forgetful lately. I must've forgotten to grab it since my mom left earlier than usual with the twins," he explained through a badly suppresed yawn.

"Mako-chan, are you tired?" He nodded. Nagisa tilted his head to the side. "Why?"

"Oh, just nightmares and all that. I'll be fine."

 _That wasn't what you told me._

Makoto turned to look at Haruka, hearing his thoughts louder than his own. "It... Wasn't? What _did_ I say?" Rei and Nagisa were momentarily confused until they realized it was one of Haruka's silent communications with Makoto.

"You said it was Ran having nightmares," he said out loud. "You didn't imply that you were having them." _What aren't you telling me?_

 _I don't-_ The answering thought cut itself off. Suddenly, Haruka was in the dark. Makoto's eyes were full of so much... _Ire_ , just like the interrupted thought. The foreign emotion was replaced. With that, Haruka couldn't specify it. "I guess I'm more forgetful than I thought."

"Makoto-senpai, you must eat something," Rei said, trying to return the conversation to the first problem cause by Makoto's _forgetfulness._ "Here, I'll give you some of my food." Nagisa gasped.

"So it's fine for Mako-chan to get food from you but not me? Rei-chan!" he cried out.

"Makoto-senpai has nothing to eat, and I'll give him food from each section so my meal remains balanced!" Rei explained to the smaller boy.

"Guys, it's okay! I'm not even that hungry." Makoto entered and broke apart the second years' screaming match.

 _You're acting the same as last week._ "At least eat something," Haruka spoke up. Makoto's shoulders slumped and he turned to smile at him.

"I guess I'll buy a sandwich. I'll be right back, you guys." He grabbed his bag and left the rooftop. Once he was sure Makoto was out of earshot, Nagisa turned to Haruka.

"I don't think Mako-chan is okay," he whispered, despite the fact that there's no way the taller teen could hear him. Rei nodded, gripping his chin.

"I agree. Haruka-senpai, I suggest you should speak with Makoto-senpai's family. They should know what's wrong."

"He's sleeping over tonight," was all Haruka said. Rei smiled.

"That may be of our advantage. You could ask him what is going on without the pressure of a family member discovering it by mistake. Then we-"

" _Nothing_ is wrong with Makoto. He's just tired." Haruka said that.

But did he believe it?

No. He didn't.

They ate in silence, Nagisa not even attempting to create small talk. Fifteen minutes had gone by and no Makoto. Not that it mattered anymore; lunch was over and they had to be in their classrooms in five minutes. Haruka packed his box away and waved goodbye to his friends.

He thought he was the first one there, but Makoto was already at his desk in a slouched position. He didn't notice Haruka at first, instead paying more attention to the scenery from the window. Haruka didn't say anything. He just moved to take his seat and hoped it would snap Makoto out of whatever slump he was in.

It didn't work.

More importantly, if Haruka strained his ears, he could hear Makoto's stomch growling. The sound rivaled the roars of a bear or the claps of thunder in a storm.

 _He didn't eat anything, did he?_ It was just like last week. Haruka was more than relieved that he suggested Makoto sleep over for the night. He had the feeling of _wrong_ again.

He didn't like it. At all.


	6. Chapter 6

**TW: feeling sick, feeling guilty, loss of desire/negligence to eat, random outbursts of anger, worrying, thoughts of forcefeeding, implied crying, keeping secrets and invading another's privacy.**

* * *

"Where's Mako-chan?" Nagisa swam over to Haruka, who was panting heavily after swimming dozens of freestyle laps without a break. "I thought he'd be here by now."

Haruka suddenly twisted around, almost giving himself whiplash. Makoto wasn't here? "Gou." Their manager understood.

"I'll text him," she said, pulling out her phone.

"Haruka-senpai?" The addressed teen hummed. "How come we're still doing club activities, even though we longer have to train for competition? Why do we have club activities anyway?" Rei asked.

"I... Don't know. Ask Gou," Haruka tried to answer. Really, he didn't know. He just got into the pool and swam. Rei nodded, then squawked when Nagisa jumped onto his back.

"Rei-chan, let's play a game!"

"Nagisa-kun, don't do that! You scared me!"

"Haruka-senpai?" Gou spoke over the other second years' shouts. Haruka turned his head, indicating that he was listening. _If Makoto were here, I wouldn't have to do that. He would know I'm listening._ "He said he wasn't feeling good so he left after class. He'll meet you at your house later, though."

"Knowing Makoto, he probably feels guilty for not saying that he was leaving early," Haruka muttered. Gou heard him and giggled.

"Yeah, probably. Anyway, since he's not here to keep us _children_ in line, I'll make sure none of you do anything stupid."

"Then who'll make sure _you_ don't do anything stupid, Gou-chan?" Gou glared at Nagisa, who quickly hid behind Rei. Haruka smirked ever so slightly.

* * *

"Haru-chan!" Makoto waved from the top of the stone steps. He looked better at first glance. Makoto smiled. "Was everything okay without me?"

"Mm," Haruka answered. As he got closer, Makoto was barely presentable. His eyes were still clouded with sleepiness and his smile still felt forced. At least his stomach wasn't growling anymore; it squealed softly. "Why'd you leave?" Makoto stared at his feet and scratched his cheek.

"Like I told Gou, I wasn't feeling so good. I'm sorry if I worried you," Makoto murmured.

Haruka almost responded with "You worry enough for all of Japan," but he stopped himself. Instead he said, "It's fine. Now go inside and drop the -chan." Makoto chuckled and did as he was told. Haruka paused and watched him enter his home before following. "Are you hungry?" Makoto shook his head.

"No, I ate something at home," he answered.

"What did you eat?" Haruka rebounded with another question, throwing Makoto off. Why he was shaken up by the sudden question, Haruka didn't know or understand.

"Uh... I had some... tonkatsu leftover from last night's dinner."

"How much?"

"... Does it matter?"

"Yes."

Silence.

"Makoto."

"I'm going to take a shower." Makoto suddenly stood up and practically ran upstairs. The bathroom door slammed shut.

Haruka growled and went into the kitchen. He put on his apron and before long, he was frying two pieces of mackerel. He didn't care if Makoto supposedly ate tonkatsu at home after leaving school early. He was going to get the taller teen to eat, even if he had to force feed him.

* * *

Makoto did not touch the mackerel placed in front of him. Whether it was because he really wasn't hungry or that he was actually _angry_ at Haruka, it was unclear to the raven. He forced the mackerel down his throat. He couldn't believe that Makoto, for once in his life, was pissed at him.

He also couldn't believe that it was about something as trivial as not wanting to eat the mackerel Haruka had prepared for him.

"Makoto, don't waste the saba. I cooked it for you." Makoto sighed through his nose.

"I said I wasn't hungry and already ate before coming here. Why did you cook it for me?" Makoto tried to keep his voice steady, but whatever he was feeling was affecting his ability to maintain his composure.

"I want to make sure you're eating."

"... I _am_ eating, Haru-chan. I told you not to worry about me," Makoto sighed again, but more out of exhaustion than irritation. Then he flashed his trademark smile. "Okay, I'll eat it for you, Haru-chan. I already know I'll enjoy it; you're such an amazing cook." Haruka shrugged.

"I'm okay. And drop the -chan." Makoto chuckled.

"Sorry. But I mean it. You're amazing at everything you do, Haru. I wish I could be like you..." Haruka heard Makoto mumble something else, but he couldn't hear him clearly. However, he did hear the first part.

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well, I did and always will. Just don't waste this talent, Haru. Not many people are like you." Makoto smiled and took a bite of the mackerel. "Just as I thought it would be, delicious!" Haruka, despite his best efforts, felt warmth on his cheeks. "Haru, why is your face turning red?"

 _Fuck._

* * *

"Here," Haruka said, gesturing to the futon.

"Thank you, Haru," Makoto said with a smile. Good, he was almost back to normal. Haruka hummed in response. He, on the other hand, was _not_ back to normal. His face was still flushed, and Makoto had asked and checked repeatedly if he had a fever.

"I'm going to take a bath," he announced, leaving the bedroom.

"Okay, but don't take too long!" Makoto called out to him. Haruka rolled his eyes.

Haruka stripped down to his jammers and stepped into the lukewarm water. He sighed, his body relaxing after being engulfed by water. He thought over what happened today. Specifically, he thought about Makoto. He wasn't himself for most of the day- tired, forgetful, angry... Guilty. He had his excuses like Ran waking him up and not telling Haruka that he was leaving early, but he had nothing to explain his forgetfulness or anger. He dunked himself underwater and remained there for a couple minutes.

When he sat up again to take a breath, Haruka could hear a weird choking noise, followed by Makoto's mumbling. With water in his ears and the fact that Makoto was speaking softly, Haruka couldn't make out what he was saying. Well, it shouldn't matter to him. What Makoto did in secret should only be known to Makoto and whoever is involved. That's how it's supposed to work.

So why did Haruka care so much? He thought back to the odd drawing Makoto drew during class today. He felt like he knew what it was, but his brain couldn't connect the dots. It only looked like lines and shapes mushed together to form a picture.

Haruka didn't hear anymore mumbling. Instead, it was replaced by more soft choking noises. Not knowing what else to do, he pulled the drain plug and got out. He hurried to dry off and get dressed for bed.

When he opened the door, he was greeted by the sight of Makoto curled up in a ball on the futon, staring at his phone. He was quickly pushing the buttons. He was texting somebody, but who? Haruka glanced at his face a moment longer. His eyes were glassy; his cheeks had thin lines on them.

He was crying, wasn't he?

"Makoto," Haruka said, trying to get the other teen's attention. He looked up and met his gaze for a few moments before looking back at his phone. A few more clicks and he shut it off, giving Haruka his undivided attention. "Is something wrong?"

"Everything's fine, Haru," Makoto said almost before Haruka could finish speaking. He smiled as if to confirm what he said.

"Are you okay?"

"... Yeah, I'm fine."

"So, who were you texting?"

"Nobody."

"Yes you were."

"I promise, I wasn't texting anyone." Makoto yawned. "I'm going to sleep now. Goodnight Haru-chan." He lifted the blanket and tucked himself underneath. He turned over, his back facing Haruka.

"Goodnight." He didn't add his usual phrase for Makoto to stop adding the honorific to his name; he sounded really out of it. Haruka got in his own bed and tried to ignore the thoughts running through his head.

* * *

Haruka awoke to the sound of rustling. He turned his head, not willing to move his body from the comfortable position he was in. He saw Makoto getting up.

"Mako..." He couldn't even say his name, he was so tired. Makoto turned around and, even though it was dark, Haruka could make out an apologetic expression on the other's countenance.

"I'm sorry, Haru-chan. Did I wake you?" Haruka shook his head. It was too early (too late?) to deal with Makoto's apologies.

"Where're you going?" he tried to ask.

"Bathroom," Makoto answered.

"Mm," Haruka hummed. He heard Makoto do his best to avoid the creaky floorboards and the bathroom door clicking shut. Even though he tried to fall back asleep, Haruka was almost wide awake in a few minutes. He turned onto his right and scanned the room. His eyes landed on Makoto's phone.

He shouldn't. It's an invasion of privacy. But...

He grabbed it and opened it. He wanted to know who Makoto was texting. He opened Messages but there were no recent conversations. The last text he sent was from eight hours ago to Gou. He switched to Calls and checked the caller's name on the most recent one. It was his mom. Haruka sighed and placed the phone back where it was.

Makoto returned into the bedroom several minutes later, Haruka already asleep. He let out an audible sigh of relief. Thankfully, it wasn't loud enough to wake the sleeping boy again.


	7. Chapter 7

**TW: isolation, feeling of loneliness, implied "overeating" (it's not as it seems), fatigue, feeling guilty, sudden outburst of anger, yelling, (almost) crying, lying, verbalized nonverbalized self-deprecation, repeating habits, secrets, miscommunication, hateful thoughts of another, and the contents of Makoto's bag.**

* * *

Haruka was surprised (although he didn't let it show) to see the futon vacant. He strained his ears, hoping to hear any noise in his house that could be caused by Makoto.

Silence. He sighed. Might as well take a bath now that he was awake.

* * *

He had to leave in the next five minutes, with or without Makoto, or else he'd be late for school. He tapped his foot. He did not want to leave without his closest friend. It just wouldn't feel right without his presence next to him. However, five minutes had gone by and Haruka had to leave. Sighing, he walked down the steps and made his way to school, barely on time.

Makoto was not there for the whole day, or for swim practice. For the first time in a while, Haruka felt lonely.

* * *

"Hi," Haruka said to Mrs. Tachibana after she opened the door.

"How are you, Haruka?" she said, her motherly smile not unlike her son's. Correction, her son's gentle smile not unlike her own.

"Fine. Is Makoto here?" Haruka asked while taking off his shoes. Mrs. Tachibana's face fell and she stared at the palms of her hands.

"I was hoping you'd stop by, although I thought you would be able to tell me. Makoto came home at around four in the morning and locked himself in his room. I tried to get him out, but he didn't even bother to acknowledge me," she explained. So she didn't know either. At least now Haruka knew where Makoto had been the whole day. But why did he do this?

"Did he eat anything today?" Mrs. Tachibana's face brightened a little.

"Yes he did. I was worried because he hadn't been eating much during dinner, but he has been clearing his plates clean to the point where I doubted if I actually had to wash them," she chuckled as she answered the raven. Haruka let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. Makoto was okay. He was okay. _He was okay._

"I'll try to get him to come out," Haruka said before heading upstairs. He knocked on Makoto's door. "Open up." He heard squeaking from the bed and soft shuffling before the door opened, revealing a fatigued Makoto. A guilty expression shaped his face.

"Hi Haru-chan," he muttered. He gestured for Haruka to enter his room, then shut the door behind him. Makoto sat in his chair while Haruka sat on the taller teen's bed.

"Why weren't you at school today?" Haruka asked, straight to the point. After a minute of thinking, Makoto shrugged. "What do you mean?"

"I guess I just felt sick today. I'm sorry, Haru-chan," Makoto apologized.

"Drop the -chan," Haruka answered automatically. "Why did you leave my house when it was four in the morning though? That's extreme, _especially_ for you." Haruka said it almost as a joke, yet Makoto winced at his words as if they physically pained him.

"I... I didn't want to bother you, Haru. I woke up not feeling so good, so..." Makoto let his sentence falter. Then, out of nowhere, he smiled at Haruka. "So, how was school? What did I miss?"

Haruka gaped, surprised by the sudden change of the subject. "Uh- okay. It was okay. You didn't miss much," he finally pieced the words together into a sentence.

"Did you take notes?" A quick shake of the head. "I don't even know why I asked that. Of course you didn't," Makoto chuckled.

 _Was... Was that supposed to be a roast?_ Haruka internally rolled his eyes. Really, it was the truth; he _hated_ taking notes, even when they were necessary. Before he could come up with a snarky remark, the door burst open as Ran and Ren entered. Their laughter and chatter instantly filled the room.

"Onii-chan, onii-chan! We want to play!" the twins cried out and began to climb on top of Makoto. He yelped in pain and Haruka held back the laughter bubbling in his chest. So cute.

"Ran, Ren, please stop. Get off me," Makoto whimpered to no avail. Either the twins were too loud or just didn't care to listen to their older brother, but they didn't stop.

"Onii-chan, I want to play house!" Ran shouted.

"We did that last time! I want to play a video game!" Ren screamed. Makoto's face was scrunched up, trying to block out the noise and pain of his siblings' voices and bodies climbing his. Haruka would've helped but he enjoyed what he saw. Suddenly, everyone in the room jumped when Makoto snapped.

" _Ran, Ren! Get out of my room!_ " Makoto yelled. _He yelled._ He almost never did that. Panting, Makoto glanced at each face in the room- a scared Ran, a teary-eyed Ren, and...

A surprised Haruka. The guilt returned, this time gripping both Makoto's throat and heart.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. That was horrible to do," he whispered remorsely. "I'm just... Really tired, I have a headache, and all this noise is not helping me," Makoto explained. It was subtle, but Haruka noticed the taller teen's bottom lip trembling. He started to bite it to keep it still. His green eyes were glassy as well.

"Makoto," Haruka's mouth blurted out before his brain gave consent. When the addressed teen looked up, Haruka froze. He wasn't planning on speaking, but now that he did, he wasn't sure of what to say. "Uh. Ran, Ren. Maybe you should go. Your brother's tired."

The twins grumbled but did what they were told. He wasn't completely certain, but Haruka heard one of the twins mutter something about Makoto being in his room all day. He turned back to look at Makoto, who was busy entertaining himself by stroking the leaves of one of his plants. Makoto does a good job keeping them alive; they were the same plants from middle school.

"Why?" Haruka asked, finally knowing of what he wanted to talk about. Makoto took one glance at his face and he understood what the blue-eyed teen was talking about. _Why were you locked in your room all day?_

"I... I don't... Haru, I haven't been feeling so great lately. But don't worry about me, Haru!" Makoto waved his hands in front of him. "I just needed a day alone. I feel better now." He scratched his cheek and smiled.

 _That makes no sense. You said you were sick._

"I... Did?"

 _You're lying to me._

"Why would I do that, Haru? I'm not that horrible of a person!" Haruka jumped again, this time from the choice of words instead of the volume of Makoto's voice. The moment the words slipped from his mouth, Makoto's eyes widened and he covered his mouth too late. "Haru..."

He was not one for physical contact, but Haruka knew that it ws needed. In a split second, his arms were wrapped around Makoto's torso. The taller of the two went limp, not returning the hug.

"Don't say those things about yourself. You know that's not true. Makoto is Makoto, and that's how it should be," Haruka spoke into the cloth of the shirt. He felt the taller teen's breath against his neck. It felt weird but he couldn't complain. He sensed that Makoto wanted to say something else but for some reason couldn't do so. It probably didn't matter at the moment, Haruka thought. "Don't do this again, too. I missed you today." He felt the smile against his skin.

"I missed you too, Haru-chan," he whispered.

"Drop the -chan." Makoto giggled. _Go_ _d, he missed that too._ "I have to go. See you tomorrow, Makoto."

"See you tomorrow, Haru." He missed that smile as well.

However, he did miss the message in the emerald eyes. _I don't know that._

Before he left, Mrs. Tachibana stopped him. She threw a towel over her shoulder. "Haruka, I need to speak with you."

"Hm?" he hummed. He wanted to go home to have dinner and then a bath, but from the tone of her voice, Haruka knew Mrs. Tachibana's message was urgent.

"I've been thinking about it and this has not been the first time Makoto had done this." What? "He had done this twice before. The first time was when you were first began middle school, and the second was when in the winter of your first year," she continued, as if seeing the question in Haruka's eyes.

"Why?" She shrugged.

"I'm almost completely in the dark with those two as I am with this one. All I know is that the first time he locked himself in his room, he told me before about how one of his senpais had to go through surgery. He also mentioned something that happened between you and him." Oh.

"Did you just realize this?" Haruka asked, trying not to sound harsh. He wasn't angry; he just wondered how such a wonderful, caring, observant mother like Mrs. Tachibana not notice these actions occurring when they did.

"Unfortunately, yes. At the time, I was a bit too distracted with the twins."

"What about in the winter?"

"That one I'm uncertain about. Makoto did not say anything about what happened. Although," she paused momentarily, staring straight into Haruka's soul, "it was around the time you had that race with Rin."

For a few seconds, it felt like the world froze in place for centuries. His race with Rin? What did Nao-senpai have to do with Makoto's situation? Mrs. Tachibana smiled and the world began to turn once more.

"Ah well, hopefully you'll be able to figure it out, Haruka. You know my son well, perhaps better than me," she teased. Haruka laughed through his nose. Yeah, hopefully.

* * *

"Mako-chan!" Nagisa screamed, jumping onto the third year's back. "We thought you weren't coming back!"

"Nagisa, relax. I was only absent for a day," Makoto reassured, detaching the smaller boy's limbs from his body.

"Besides, Nagisa-kun, you were the only one who had such an idea," Rei chimed in, pushing his glasses higher up his nose. While the two second years bickered, Makoto smiled.

"Ne, Haru."

"Mm."

"I'm going to miss this."

"Me too. But we can always visit."

"Uh," Makoto stuttered. Then he tried to correct himself. "Yeah, that's what I meant." Haruka stared at Makoto from his peripheral vision.

 _What did he mean? Was he not talking about how he's going to college in Tokyo?_

"I can't believe we only have the rest of this week before summer vacation!" Nagisa cheered and ran to class.

"Nagisa-kun, please do not have a repeat from last year and forget to return at the beginning of September!" Rei followed, albeit slower so he wouldn't be caught by a teacher. Makoto laughed out loud.

"I hope he doesn't do that this year or the next," he chuckled. Haruka, although still perplexed from Makoto's earlier statment, let a small smile form. Even though he got on the third year's nerves sometimes, Haruka was definitely going to miss seeing the boisterous blonde everyday. The same went for the spectacled teen. He had come a long way.

They all did. Haruka looked over to Makoto again.

"I've been meaning to ask," Haruka started once they sat down at their desks. Makoto turned his head and followed Haruka's gaze. It landed on the bag Makoto had been carrying everywhere he went for the past week. "What's in there?"

Makoto hesitated. _Why did you hesitate? You have no reason to hesitate. Don't fucking lie to me again, you gargantuan- "_ Let me show you, Haru-chan." Makoto smiled, and instantly Haruka felt sick to his stomach. Where did those thoughts and anger even come from? Never in his life had he thought of Makoto of anything other than a blessing to this earth, an angel, and anything else related that were _positive._ He was so ashamed with himself that he didn't notice Makoto lining up objects from his bag on his desk. It was fortunate for the green-eyed teen because he purposely left a few items in the bag.

 _Good thing I took some of the bigger things out._ "Here, Haru-chan," he said with a smile. _Artificial._

He didn't know what he expected, maybe something actually worth hiding or important to carry at all times. However, Makoto pulled out pencils bundled up by a rubber band, mints, two pencil sharpeners, a yellow container, some chocolates, and a pair of scissors. Haruka felt guilty all over again. With the exception of the container, these items were very innocent. He huffed and, not knowing what else to do, said, "Drop the -chan." Makoto chuckled.

"Sorry, Haru." _This time I mean that._

Haruka didn't hear that thought because class started.


	8. Chapter 8

**WARNING: THIS IS WHERE IT ALL GOES DOWNHILL FROM HERE! THIS CHAPTER MUST BE READ WITH EXTREME CAUTION! IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE THE FOLLOWING TRIGGERS, EITHER SKIP THE ENDING AFTER THE RACE OR DO NOT READ AT ALL!** **TW: talking about death, lying about being okay, anxiety, laxatives, knowledge of not eating, fainting, calling an ambulance, vomit, and a seizure.**

* * *

"Makoto-senpai, are you alright?" Rei asked with concern. It was the last day of the first semester ("I thought it would never end!" comments came from Nagisa throughout the day) and the Iwatobi swim team were going to Samezuka for a little get together. It was just to enjoy themselves. However, Rei was the second to notice how Makoto was very distant that day. Haruka noticed first but didn't speak up.

"Oh, uh. Yeah. Yeah I'm fine, Rei," Makoto stuttered. As if to avoid continuing the conversation, he sped up his walking pace. His bag was hitting his hip and, had the others been closer, they would've been able to hear rattling inside.

* * *

"Hey guys!" Rin greeted them at the door. Haruka pushed past him and was already in the water, clothes in a pile by the door. The Iwatobi team and Samezuka captain sighed. Except for Makoto, who went to change into his legskins. "For fuck's- You know what? I don't even care anymore. Hurry up and go change, you two," Rin told the two second year swimmers. They nodded and headed for the lockerrooms. Just when they opened the door, Makoto rushed out and almost pushed Rei and Nagisa away.

"Ne, sorry!" he blurted out, tugging his swim cap on. Nagisa looked up to Rei.

"He's not alright."

Haruka, although he did not do it often, joined in for a game of tag. He avoided Rin every time he got too close. Eventually he gave up and went for Rei and tagged him. "Gotcha, Speedo Glasses!"

"Do not insult me, Rin-san!" Rei shouted, but his smile gave away his mirth. He swam towards Nagisa, who screeched.

"Rei-chan, why me?! I thought you loved me! _No!_ " Nagisa cried when he felt the blue-haired boy grab his foot. Instantly, the blonde whipped around searching for someone new. _Maybe I can go for Aii-chan. Or maybe Momo-chan. Ooh, Mako-chan is perfect! Where is he?_ Nagisa scanned the area for the backstroke swimmer.

Except he wasn't anywhere near the others playing the game. He was in one of the lanes farther away from everyone else. He was just floating, a complex expression on his face. He looked relaxed, but also angry, even sad. His eyes were closed, so it was harder to determine what he was really feeling.

Despite the fact he was nowhere near the others, Nagisa still swam over to him. He grabbed Makoto's wrist and yelled, "Tag! You're it, Mako-chan!" Makoto screamed from the sudden touch. His face was momentarily dunked underwater and he sputtered and coughed. "Ne, Mako-chan. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," the green-eyed teen answered a little too quickly and automatically. _As if he were expecting it._ "Why am I it?"

"Aren't you playing tag with us, Mako-chan?" Nagisa asked, tilting his head to the side. He hesitated before answering. He wasn't playing the game, but he didn't want to upset Nagisa or the others. _Not tonight._ He smiled.

"Sure. I'll play," Makoto responded. He swam over to the others. He started to swim towards Momotarou, who started to scream, but at the last minute, splashed in Haruka's direction. In the moment of surprise, he grabbed the freestyle swimmer's upper arm. "Tag, Haru-chan. Now you're it," Makoto grinned. Haruka rolled his eyes.

"I thought I told you to drop the -chan," Haruka grumbled. However, he couldn't hold back a small smile. He was happy because Makoto was happy. That was the only important thing right now. Makoto let go and Haruka swam towards Aiichiro. He cried out for Rin to protect him, who only laughed and swam farther away.

Sousuke enjoyed seeing his friends so happy. Even though he couldn't join in, it didn't mean he wasn't having fun watching the swimmers' antics. However, he got the sense that there was something wrong. He paid closer attention to his surroundings, but that wasn't it. He looked over to the people in the water.

Rin? Nah, he's okay.

Aii? He's okay, too. Still trying to follow Rin.

Momo? Well, he's screaming.

Nanase? He's in his element, of course he's okay.

The little blonde? No, that's not it.

Speedo Glasses? Not even close.

Makoto?

 _Something was wrong._ Sousuke didn't know how he narrowed it down to the backstroke swimmer, but he knew that there were two possibilities. Either he fucked up more than just his shoulder, or there was something about the green-eyed angel that he wasn't talking about. Without thinking twice, Sousuke got up from the bench he was sitting on and walked over to the side of the pool Makoto was closest to.

"Makoto." The addressed teen turned his head. For just a moment, his eyes were dull. Empty. _Lifeless._ Sousuke suppressed a shiver that traveled his spine. Definitely nit the appropriate words to describe the slightly shorter male.

"Ne, Sousuke. What do you need?" Makoto leaned against the pool wall. Sousuke jerked his head to the doors.

"Can I talk to you?" he asked, not harshly but not kindly.

"Uh. Okay. Haru! I'll be back!" Makoto called out to Haruka. As a response, he turned his head to the side. Makoto lifted himself up and out the water. He went into the lockerroom and grabbed his towel before following Sousuke. They sat down on the bench that was near the vending machine Sousuke backed Haruka into. For some reason, he found that hilarious. "What did you want to talk about, Sousuke?"

There was a pause between them and Makoto shifted a little. It felt uncomfortable.

"Are you okay?" Sousuke finally spoke after what felt like hours of complete silence. Makoto's eyes widened and they became brighter. However, it wasn't the natural brightness in his eyes, only the brightness from the overhead flourescent lights.

"I'm- Eh, I'm okay, Sousuke." Already he knew Makoto was lying. He was a terrible liar. Sousuke's face must have told him that because Makoto sighed. "I don't know really. I guess I've just been feeling... Off, is the best way I can describe it. Sousuke," he suddenly blurted out the other's name.

"Yeah?"

"What do you... Are you afraid..."

"Of?"

"... Dying." Sousuke's vision expanded by a few millimeters. It was a sudden and uncharacteristic question to come out the mouth of the person in front of him. He stared at the tile floor. He never thought in depth about that topic, but he knew how he felt about it.

"Not really. I mean, we all die. Whether it's from natural causes, freak accidents, or ourselves, everyone dies so there's no reason to fear the inevitable." Makoto nodded in understanding and clenched his hamds into fists. Before Sousuke could ask why Makoto would bring up such a question, the brunette stood up and walked away, saying he had to change. He left Sousuke sitting alone on the cold bench.

The get together ended and everyone slowly walked to the locker room to change. Makoto exited before everyone could enter the room and begin to crowd and suffocate it. He walked over to the edge of the pool and held out his hand for Haruka. He breeched the surface and shook his head from side to side.

"Let's go, Haru." Haruka sighed and took hold of he other's outstretched hand. It was a strong and warm grip. Makoto pulled him out of the water and smiled. Haruka looked up and down the Makoto's body, unintentionally making the other self-conscious.

"You're already dressed," Haruka stated. It wasn't a question as to why; he had first noticed Makoto already being dressed before him several months ago. Makoto seemed relieved by Haruka's words, although the still wet teen could not figure out why.

"Yeah, I am. And you should be doing the same, Haru," Makoto commented with a smile. Haruka rolled his eyes and headed for the locker room. He stopped when Makoto called out to him. "Ne, Haru. I'm going to go to the bathroom. Wait with the others at the front and I'll meet you there, okay?"

"Mm." Haruka entered the lockerroom. Makoto watched him and, once he deemed it safe, hiked up the strap of his bag and tried to silence the soft rattling inside. He took out his phone and went off in the direction of the bathroom.

* * *

Nagisa waved his hand frantically as if he would never gain Haruka's attention if he stopped.

"Nagisa-kun, do not be so frantic! Haruka-senpai saw you before you saw him!" Rei scolded the smaller boy.

"Hmph. Ne, Haru-chan," Nagisa called out once the third year was in earshot, "where's Mako-chan?"

"Bathroom," Haruka answered. Rei raised an eyebrow.

"Perhaps those laxatives are not working for Makoto-senpai..." he mumbled, rubbing his chin. Haruka turned to look at him, his gaze hardened.

"What laxatives?"

"Oh! Nagisa-kun and I noticed how often Makoto-senpai went to the bathroom and we worried that he was struggling with his bowel movements-" Rei began to explain before being cut off by Nagisa.

"So we convinced him to buy some pooping pills!"

"Nagisa-kun! Quiet!" Rei sputtered out. All three of them heard Rin's cackle. He was followed by Sousuke, Aiichiro and Momotarou.

"I don't think those would be very helpful if he's using the bathroom so often. Wouldn't it be more likely that he'd have diarrhea?" Rin sneered. Rei's face reddened with embarrassment. Nagisa appeared confused and Haruka was trying his best to keep his irritation from surfacing.

"Don't talk about Makoto like that. Idiots," he muttered. He looked up and saw Sousuke staring at him. His teal eyes were trying to tell him something, but he couldn't figure out what it was. _Makoto could._

"Sorry if I kept you all waiting for too long! Eh. Rin? What are you four doing here?" Makoto tilted his head to the side after jogging up to them. Before Rin could even open his mouth, Momotarou butted in.

"We gonna have a race against you four! Ah, ow! Stopstopstop, ow!" Rin shoved the energetic boy's head down and growled.

"Yeah, what he said. What do you say? Wanna race us?" Rin flashed his sharp teeth at them. Nagisa laughed.

"Only if you're ready to lose!"

"Alright! Whoever is the first to reach the bridge in... _That_ direction wins for their whole team!" Rin pointed behind him, not exactly sure if it was north, south, east, or west; he was already too pumped up to care. Haruka rolled his eyes as Nagisa screamed "Deal!" and latched onto Rei's arm, saying how they'd win for sure. He wasn't the fastest runner, but it didn't really matter to him.

They stood shoulder-to-shoulder in two separate rows. Sousuke started the countoff.

"Ready? Get set... Go!" Almost instantly, Rei and Rin were neck and neck. Momotarou and Nagisa were close behind, Sousuke and Aiichiro were attempting to catch up, and Makoto and Haruka were behind all the others. While Haruka was a naturally slow runner, Makoto was decent at it and could at least be where the two in front of them were. However, Haruka knew that Makoto liked to be beside him, so he didn't heed much attention to Makoto's smaller steps and heavy panting.

That is, until he realized that Makoto was runner _slower than him._ He looked over his shoulder. Makoto was _exhausted_ , it was obvious from first glance. "Makoto?" Haruka said, trying to make his voice rise above the shouts and jeers of his friends ahead of him.

Makoto could hear someone saying his name. He wasn't sure who, but he recognized it. He felt his blood rushing, mostly to his head and legs; his arms felt cold. He could already tell he wasn't breathing right. He was panting heavily and each time he took a breath, it was quick and shallow. It wasn't what he needed, but it's what he wanted. His stomach felt... His... _Oh god._

"Yeah!" Rei cried out as he reached the bridge first. Rin screamed and kicked at the railing.

"Goddamnit!"

"Rei-chan! I knew we would win!" Nagisa leapt onto Rei's back, tired but ecstatic.

"Rin-senpai, it's alright! You were so close!" Aiichiro tried to soothe the redhead. Sousuke chuckled as Momotarou laid on his back, panting heavily.

That's when the world slowed down.

Haruka reached the bridge before Makoto. That was the first sign of something extremely _wrong._ He turned to look behind him and Makoto, gasping for as much air as he possibly could, started to lean forward. He was leaning too far- He was _falling._ Haruka remembered when they were first years in middle school and he had passed out from malnutrition caused by low blood sugar. With that memory in mind (as well as the one with Makoto crying and screaming his name), Haruka positioned himself to catch Makoto. And he did, but Makoto was obviously heavier than him, so they both fell anyway. Haruka landed on his butt and Makoto was almost completely facedown. The others suddenly quieted down.

"M-Makoto?" Haruka shook the other's shoulder to check if he was awake. Sure enough, green eyes tried to open up, but they were glazed over. Cloudy. Haruka turned Makoto over onto his back. "Makoto, what happened? One of you, call for an ambulance! Makoto needs an ambulance!" Sousuke, his phone already in his hand, nodded and dialed. Makoto tried to shake his head.

"N-no... Don't need one..." he whispered. Haruka almost felt angry with him, but he just couldn't.

"You haven't been eating, have you? Makoto," Haruka said. It was a statement in a questioning tone. He _knew_ Makoto wasn't eating. His near fainting was proof of it. Makoto moaned.

"Haru... Chan..."

"Huh?"

"You know I love you... Right?" Haruka's eyebrows furrowed. Was the lack of blood sugar getting to Makoto? He sensed someone kneeling next to him and he turned to see Rei reaching for Makoto's neck. He felt for his pulse and gasped. He brought his hand in front of the collapsed boy's mouth.

"Makoto-senpai, your pulse! It's erratic! And your respiratory rate! It must be in the twenties! Yamazaki-kun, hurry up!" Rei cried.

"Shush!" Sousuke hissed. "Uh, yes? Hello. My name's Yamazaki Sousuke. My friend, Tachibana Makoto. He needs an ambulance. He's fainted," Sousuke informed the dispatcher. He nodded at whatever the person on the other end was saying. He opened his mouth, most likely to tell the others what to do while they waited, when Makoto began to gag. "Wait, hold on. What's happening?"

Suddenly, vomit projectiled _everywhere_ \- on Makoto's body, Rei's hand and clothes, Haruka's face, and on the sidewalk. He began to gasp and cough and _choke_. Rei ignored the vomit on him and screamed, "Tell the dispatcher that he threw up and aspirated it! He's choking!"

However, Sousuke never got to even begin to explain the sudden turn of events. Because, out of nowhere, Makoto's body began to shake and his eyes rolled back.

 _"Makoto!"_

For him, the world faded to black.


	9. Chapter 9

**TW: vomit, ambulance call and ride, seizures, ongoing anxiety and panic attacks, mention and possibility of death, medical issues, hitting, self-harm, blood, contents of Makoto's bag, confirmed suicide attempt, self-deprecating thoughts, and angst in general.** **(I apologize in advance for this hell I'm putting you all through. If it makes you feel any better, I have cried while writing these chapters just so you know it's as hard to write this as to read it.)**

* * *

Haruka didn't know what was happening in front of him. Makoto was shaking uncontrollably after throwing up and someone had turned the seizing boy onto his left side. He could hear muffled voices, but he didn't know which voice belonged to who. He began to grip and tug at his hair. What the hell was happening? He didn't even care about the throw up on his face.

"Okay, thank you. And please hurry!" Sousuke hung up, his hand shaking. He was always so stoic but Makoto's sudden collapse got to him just as badly as it did to everyone else. He saw Rei holding Makoto's right shoulder, keeping him in place on his left side. He was crying but other than that, he was completely fine. He was staying calm, unlike Nagisa, Aiichiro and Momotarou. The three of them were crying and holding onto each other, not even bothering to look at the scene behind them.

"Rin-san, how long has it been since Makoto-senpai began to seize?" Rei commanded. He needed to keep his cool. With Makoto in the midst of a medical emergency, Haruka in what appears to be a panic attack that he cannot yet handle, the three smallest boys huddled together, and Sousuke all shaken up from just the emergency call, Rin was the spectacled teen's only option to help deal with the situation.

"I don't know! Eh, two minutes?!" Rin shouted, clenching his fists. He was trying so hard to contain his anger and fear, but it was boiling up quickly. Rei nodded. "Why does it matter?"

"Dispatcher... Said that if the seizure is longer than five minutes..." Sousuke tried to speak.

"If the seizure lasts longer than five minutes, we will have to worry about even more brain damage, Rin-san," Rei finished for the taller teen. Rin gulped and Haruka looked up, his eyes revealing his frenzied emotions and thoughts.

"Brain... Damage?" Rin choked. "As in... Wheelchairs and thera... Therapy?" Morosely, Rei nodded. They all knew the meaning lingering underneath those words- death. Fortunately, the seizure ended just as they heard sirens approaching. Paramedics rushed in and by then, there was already a crowd of people watching. Haruka felt uncomfortable in the people's gaze. He felt someone gently push him to the side. He could make out the silohuettes of the paramedics hovering over Makoto's body. They lifted him onto the stetcher and the next thing he knew, Haruka was in the back of the ambulance with Rin and Sousuke. His cheeks felt a little damp. Someone must've wiped his face clean of vomit. The redhead said something about the others meeting them there.

" _There" must be the hospital,_ Haruka thought with a shiver. Softly, he croaked, "What's wrong with Makoto?"

"We're going to figure it out, so don't worry," the paramedic that was connecting Makoto to a monitor answered. He tried to smile but even he must've known that the situation was far too grim for camaraderie. "Can the three of you give us a history on him so we can try to narrow down what we're dealing with?"

 _He said he loved me._ "He hasn't been eating the past few days," Haruka whispered. That was it. That was the problem- low blood sugar. Just a few hours' stay at the hospital and they could all go home. The other paramedic grumbled and rubbed her chin.

"Not eating does not lead to someone having a seiz- oh my god. Would you look at that?" she pointed to the monitor. The senior swimmers had little to no knowledge of medicine or any of the like, but they all understood that a heart rate of one-hundred thirty-seven was not good. "His respiratory rate is is twenty-six, and his oxygen saturation is only at eighty-nine percent. Itsuki-san, if he doesn't improve soon, I'm intubating."

"I think you'll have to do it anyway, Hana-san," the first paramedic, Itsuki, said. "The poor kid just aspirated vomit. He had a seizure too. Although, he should've been able to-"

"He was taking quick and shallow breaths when he collapsed," Haruka interrupted. Itsuki nodded and steadied Makoto's head. Hana was holding a plastic tube and what reminded Sousuke of a curved metal flashlight. Haruka felt tightness when Hana started to push the tube down Makoto's throat, but she suddenly pulled back. Haruka would've relaxed had she not yelled:

"He's seizing again! Two milligrams of midazolam!"

"I don't have an I.V. line yet!" Itsuki said, turning Makoto onto his side again.

"Then I'll give it I.M. then, goddamnit! C'mon, he's so young! We can't let this kid die with so much of his life ahead of him!" Hana cussed, taking out a syringe. Sousuke shuddered. He watched as the needle entered Makoto's skin and after a few moments, the seizure ended. Itsuki quickly connected Makoto to an I.V. line. Hana succeeded in intubating Makoto, but she informed them of his throat being completely raw. His respiratory rate leveled out to thirteen and his oxygen saturation rose to one-hundred percent. The paramedics let out a sigh of relief.

Haruka began to shake. _Die._ She said Makoto would die, didn't she? _Makoto's going to die? He can't die, he's Makoto. Makoto is Makoto. He can't die, die. What is he going to do without him once he dies? No he won't oh my god he's going to die isn't he? He'll. Diediediedie **no** diediedie **NO** hecan't **fucking** dieonushe'sMakoto **ohmyGOD** -_

Haruka's head jerked to the right, his scalp and left cheek sending jolts of pain. He slowly turned his head and noticed he had a small clump of hair in his hand. His cheek stung and he saw Rin with a teary-eyed scowl, his right hand in position of a completed followthrough.

 _He slapped me._

"Haru, you freaking out is not going to help Makoto at all. You were scaring me, and I didn't know what else to do since you weren't responding," Rin explained and the tears fell soon after. They heard the gasp of Itsuki, who was showing Hana something on a little device. She covered her mouth.

"What is up with this kid?" she muttered. She wrapped Makoto's middle finger with a bandage.

"What is it?" Rin asked. "What is that thing?" He pointed at the little doohickey in Itsuki's hand.

"It's to check blood sugar at the moment. Your friend... His blood sugar is at twelve. We need to bring it up to around a hundred _now_ ," he ordered. Hana nodded. She hung fluids from a pole and checked Makoto's pulse.

"It feels so weak. And his heart rate is one-hundred nineteen. Whatever's going on, we need to figure it out now before his body gives up," Hana said solemnly. She seemed upset to say the last part to the boys in front of her, but she knew someone had to. She was young herself and still felt unsteady when discussing death, but the boy laying in front of her had the real chance of dying and they had not yet found clues as to _why._ She snapped her fingers at them. "One of you, find his phone. We need to contact his family." At first none of them moved, until she shouted, "Hey, I don't want any of you to be the cause of your friend's death!" The redhead moved first, slightly less shaken than the two ravens beside and in front of him.

Rin was about to dial when he noticed something. "His pants... There are red spots." He saw these after taking Makoto's phone out of the pocket. Without hesitation, Itsuki found a pair of scissors and began to cut away at the fabric. The red spots became red stains on Makoto's boxer briefs. "Haru, did Makoto fall on rocks?"

Haruka mumbled, "No." Makoto may have banged his knees when collapsing on the pavement, but it was clear of rocks. So why was he bleeding?

Thay got their answer when Itsuki cut away half of the fabric from the briefs. They all stared in complete shock, even the paramedics. They barely knew Makoto but even they understood that this was _not normal_.

Makoto's thighs were _mutilated._ There were cuts and scars, new and old, small and large, shallow and deep. Basically, his thighs were covered with more scars than skin. Haruka struggled to breathe again. Blood never bothered him. But when it was from Makoto's...

He gripped his chest and tried to take deep breaths. _Don't lose yourself again. It may not be what it seems. It's going to be okay._

He knew that was a straight up lie.

Sousuke pinched his skin as he watched Itsuki clean and dress Makoto's cuts. (They all understood that he had inflicted them upon himself.) He wanted this to be a nightmare. Even if he wasn't particularly close to Makoto, he still liked the gentle giant. He inwardly groaned when he thought back to his last two encounters with Makoto- the talk about death earlier that day and...

The park.

"Where's Makoto's bag?" Sousuke bellowed, trying to keep from being jostled around when the ambulance hit a bump. Hana handed over the bag and Sousuke unzipped it and upturned it, shaking out all the contents.

An empty pill bottle, the yellow container, boxes filled with foil, broken razors, chocolate wrappers, and a giant fork fell out. Hana mumbled, "Oh my god," and Haruka almost screamed. Rin grabbed the pill bottle and container. Sousuke's breath hitched in his throat; he recognized that container. It was the stress tablets. Rin shook it. Empty. Sousuke covered his face with shame. Of course it'd be empty. He figured out what was wrong, but now they may be too late. Hana finally voiced it out for them all, unfortunately.

"Suicide attempt. And he was really trying. Overdosing on sleep aids, laxatives, _and_ freaking 'all-natural' stress tablets? And look at these scars." Even though it was matter-of-fact, none of them were ready to face it. Not yet.

"Hana-san," Itsuki hissed. The woman shrunk back slightly before deciding to check Makoto's blood sugar again.

"Thirty-four. It's improving but it's not enough. We need to hurry. Can you drive any faster?!" she screamed at the driver. They all felt a slight increase in speed and the wails of the sirens seemed to become louder. Rin grabbed the fork. It was about seventeen to eighteen centimeters in length and the handle was slightly dirty. When he realized what it was, Rin almost screeched.

"That's saliva! Gross! Why does Makoto have this in his bag?!" Rin's shouting was still picked up by Haruka's ears, despite his desparate attempts to block out all noise. He didn't want to hear anything else, except for the sound of Makoto's cheerful voice telling him he was not only _fine,_ he was _okay._

Except that had also been a lie for God knows how long. Makoto wasn't fine. He was most likely dying and it was all because Haruka was a fucking idiot. Everything was so obvious now. Yet it also wasn't.

The tears fell silently.

* * *

"... Rei-chan?"

"Nagisa-kun?"

"Mako-chan will be okay, right?" Nagisa whimpered, tightening his grip on Rei's arm. They had called Ama-chan to drive them to the hospital; there wasn't enough room for four more swimmers in the back of the ambulance. The car was almost completely silent, except for Nagisa's whimpers and Aiichiro's choked sobs. Momotarou was hugging the grey-haired boy. Even though the petite second year and the boisterous first year didn't know Makoto that well, they've developed a fondness for the gentle giant.

"... I don't know, Nagisa-kun. It was all so sudden," Rei muttered. He was just as clueless as the smaller boy about their senpai's condition. He hated it. He should alrrady have all of these thories in his mind as to what happened to Makoto-senpai. But he didn't. The car jerked. All four boys cried out. "Drive more carefully, Amakata-sensei, or else we'll be in the hospital as patients!"

"I'm sorry! I'm just as worried as the four of you!" she shouted, gripping the wheel until her knuckles were white. She sighed. "Forgive me for yelling."

"It's okay."

"I forgive you."

"It's f-fine."

"... Not your fault."

The rest of the drive was quiet, even as Ama-chan pulled up into the hospital parking lot. They saw the ambulance that had carried the four third years. When they entered, they saw Haruka, Sousuke, and Rin in the waiting area, the latter on Makoto's phone. They approached the three of them. Haruka was a complete mess out of all of them.

"What's wrong with Mako-chan?" Nagisa cried out, breaking the silence between them all. Sousuke looked down, Haruka rocked back and forth in his chair, and Rin let his arm fall to his side, holding the phone in a loose fist.

Somehow, the four boys and teacher knew what had happened, even if nobody could say it out loud.

Maybe saying it out loud would make it all too real.

 _They didn't want it to be real._


	10. Chapter 10

**TW** **: lying, shock, wasted food/refusal to eat, implied suicide note, ongoing panic/anxiety attacks, crying, constant mentions to death and suicide, disbelief in others, yelling, hospital setting (I.V.s, monitors, constant noises, pretending for children, stomach pumping, confirmed overdose and seizures, past eating habits (binge eating to not eating enough), confirmed purging/bulimia, cutting, confirmed suicide attempt, and a mother's hurt.**

* * *

As soon as Mrs. Tachibana hung up on the call with Matsuoka Rin using her son's phone, Mr. Tachibana already had the twins in the back seat of the car.

"Mommy! Daddy! Where are we going?" The twins cried out. Their mother was frantic, searching for whatever higher power there is knows what. Their father was frighteningly quiet. Onii-chan hadn't come home either. Where was he?

Mr. Tachibana got into the driver's seat, his hands trembling. He was still in shock over what his wife had told him. But just how could he explain this predicament to two ten-year-old kids, his children nonetheless? He breathed shakily. "Makoto is in the... Hospital right now, and we're going to see him."

Ran and Ren stared at each other. Onii-chan was in the hospital? That must mean he's very sick. They started to think of what to give him to get better. Ran waved her arms, "ooh"-ing like a monkey.

"Can we buy Onii-chan chocolate as a get better gift? "

"Yeah, we should do that! Then he'll feel so much better and leave the hospital early!" Ren agreed. The twins chattered about how they would present their gift to Makoto when Mr. Tachibana raised his hand to shush them.

"It's very thoughtful of you both to want to buy Makoto a gift... But it won't necessarily work. Besides, I don't think we're allowed to bring him anything, anyway," he said rather regretfully. The twins sighed in disappointment. It wasn't fair in their minds; they had the right to give Onii-chan presents because he deserves them all the time. Mr. Tachibana honked the horn once and called out to his wife. "Hurry up, please!"

Mrs. Tachibana heard her husband; she was just searching her son's room. She couldn't find much out of place. All she found were folded pieces of paper with writing and Band-aid wrappers. She had a feeling she needed to read what was written on the paper but at the moment she had no time to do so. In the car, she'll do it. Suddenly, an odd smell attacked her olfactory sense. It smelled like... Fried rice? And curry? Mrs. Tachibana followed her nose and tried to sort through the trash in Makoto's garbage bin. She felt something cold but not completely solid. She pulled back and realized it was food.

 _It was food._

Suddenly, it made sense. Her eldest son could eat a lot, but he hadn't been for the past few days. Of _course_ the meals would be completely eaten and leave the plates sparkly clean. She covered her face in utter disgust and shame. Not because of Makoto but herself. It was because he _didn't_ eat that the plates were so clean. How could she have been so stupid? Hearing her husband blast the car horn again, she ran out of Makoto's room, grabbed her purse, and sat in the passenger seat. The Tachibanas drove off to the hospital.

She forgot to read the paper.

* * *

They burst through the hospital doors, each parent holding the hand of one twin. Ran and Ren let go, however, once they spotted the small group of swimmers they also knew as Onii-chan's friends. They almost collapsed onto Haruka's lap when Butterfly-nii-chan and Rin-nii-chan held them back. They would've started to complain, but they took a second look at the raven-haired teen currently curled up into a ball. Haruka was in no state to be touched, the twins figured from a second glance.

Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana went to triage, already erratic with fear of what could be said to them. "Is there a Tachibana Makoto here? We're his parents," Mr. Tachibana said calmly. His voice still shook though. The nurse scrolled through her computer screen and nodded.

"Yes, there is. I would like the two of you to wait with those young men there," she stated and pointed in the direction of the swimmers and the twins. Mrs. Tachibana's breath hitched.

"I... I don't think you understand. This is _my son_. You can't possibly expect me to _wait_ here when he could be dying at this very moment!" Without her realizing, her voice had risen and the entire waiting area was staring at her. Even Haruka, his oceanic eyes glassy, red, and wet. The triage nurse sighed.

"Ma'am, I completely understand how you're feeling right now, but the doctors have made your son their first priority. They tagged him red," she said sympathetically. "However, once the patient is stable, I will notify the family first. Is that alright?" Exhausted, Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana nodded. They walked over and sat down beside the twins, Haruka, and the others.

"Mommy, what does it mean to be tagged red?" Ren asked, his head tilting to the side. Mrs. Tachibana breathed deeply. She didn't want to explain that a red bracelet meant that the patient was in critical condition and would die without immediate care.

"It means that your brother is very, very sick right now and the doctors have to do their best to make him better before we can see him," her husband came up with before she could piece together coherent sentences. Ran crawled onto her father's lap.

"So if we go see him too soon, we'll get sick like Onii-chan?" she asked. The tallest of the swimmers (Yamazaki-kun, the parents believed he was) grimaced and looked away before it could be noticed by the children.

"... It's not the kind of sick you're thinking about, Ran," Mr. Tachibana whispered, brushing the girl's bangs away from her face. He wondered if _he_ even knew what kind of sick Makoto was. Mrs. Tachibana turned to her right, facing the curled up ball that is Haruka.

"Haru," she said firmly. She needed more answers. She wanted confirmation. That's what she made herself believe.

Really, she didn't want to believe what Rin was implying to over the phone.

Haruka slowly lifted his head again. (He didn't even realize he let it drop against his knees.) His vision was foggy and he could just make out the familiar face of Makoto's mother. It didn't make him feel warm inside like it usually did, though. Maybe that's why he didn't understand what she said to him- _that makes no sense_

God, his thoughts were so messed up. _Fucking idiot._

"Huh?" Haruka managed to squeak out.

"Haru," Mrs. Tachibana repeated. _Oh, so that's what she said._ "What happened? Why is Makoto in the hospital?"

Before Haruka could even begin to process the _waytoolong_ sentence spoken to him, Rin blurted out angrily, "I told you over the phone! Did you not believe me?"

" _You_ could be wrong," Mrs. Tachibana almost growled, completely unlike her usual demeanor. Instead of motherly and caring, she was almost cold and distrustful. Rin sputtered in shock. Exactly _how_ could he be wrong right now? _He_ was there when it happened, not _her_!

"'S just what Rin said," Haruka murmured. He couldn't speak that well. The shock of Makoto (that's it, just Makoto) really got to him. Never in a billion years would he have ever thought such a thing could happen to his childhood best friend that he loved and cared for so much. Especially if the person who caused it was Makoto himself.

Mrs. Tachibana sighed through her nose. Maybe the doctors will tell her the truth. Haruka may know her son better than anyone in the world, but that didn't mean he was always right. He was wrong about this. He _just **was.**_

About ten more minutes passed by before a doctor walked up to the worried parents and confused twins.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Kinoshita. Are you Tachibana Makoto's family?" he whispered softly. Mr. Tachibana nodded. Finally. The doctor chewed the inside of his cheek before speaking again. "Follow me, but... Just be prepared for what we have to say and what you might see." Even though it was in a hushed tone, the anxiety skyrocketed among the adults and adolescents. Ran and Ren still had no idea. Nagisa and Rin began to follow the family when the doctor held up his hand, stopping them in their tracks. "I'm sorry, only family as of right now. I will inform you when you can see the patient, though." Disappointed but understanding, the group of teens stayed behind.

The Tachibanas walked passed multiple rooms with patients. Some appeared okay and awake, others were asleep for varying reasons. Ran and Ren tightened their grips on their parents' larger hands. They didn't like this place. Too many sick people in one place. It's a good thing Onii-chan won't have to stay here too long.

Finally, the doctor brought them to a room a bit more separated from the others. Makoto laid on the bed inside, asleep, with a tube wrapped around his face. More tubes were in his arms and they led to bags of fluids on a pole. A monitor beeped constantly beside his bed. There was another doctor, as well as a nurse, surrounding him. Mrs. Tachibana gasped and let go of Ren's hand. She walked up to Makoto's side, gently placing her palm on her son's broad shoulder as if he would break with too much pressure.

He probably would.

"Makoto..." she whispered. Mr. Tachibana turned to the doctor already in the room.

"What happened?" She looked down.

"Your son had two seizures before arriving at the hospital and another before we could begin to pump his stomach-" Mrs. Tachibana shushed Ran's quiet "What's a seizure?" "- to try to reverse the effects of the overdose."

"Overdose?" Mr. Tachibana muttered. "What do you mean by _overdose?_ " The nurse behind the doctor grabbed Makoto's bag from the chair against the wall. She pulled out the empty bottle, yellow container, and a box of laxatives. Mrs. Tachibana's breath caught in her throat.

That was _her_ bottle of painkillers. Why did Makoto have them and... Why was it...

No, she surely doesn't mean _that_...

Yes, she does. Rin and Haruka were right.

"What are those?" Ren asked, pointing to the yellow container. The nurse smiled at him.

"They're stress relievers. Your big brother took too many and got very sick. He did the same with these pills," she said, showing him the bottle and box. "Don't worry, though. We were able to save him and make him much better. All we have to do right now is wait for him to wake up. Now, the doctors need to talk to your parents privately so if you'll just follow me, we can play a game!" The twins cheered quietly as to not disturb Makoto from his slumber. Once the nurse left with the children, leaving behind the bag, the doctors faced the parents solemnly.

"You both understand that this was no mere accident, correct?" Slowly and almost unsure of themselves, both parents nodded. The first doctor they met continued. "We need to ask a few questions about your son. Has he been acting strangely lately? As in, change in appetite or mood?"

"He hasn't been eating the way he used to," Mrs. Tachibana started. "He started to binge eat a lot the past few months, but the past couple of weeks, it's tapered off to almost nothing. And his mood..."

"He's been holing himself up in his room or the bathroom constantly. He's done this before though," Mr. Tachibana answered. However, he sounded so unconfident with his response it was a wonder that he even opened his mouth in the first place. Both doctors nodded and the second medical professional grabbed Makoto's bag and began to rummage through it. "Excuse me, what are you doing? Stop invading our son's privacy al-!"

He was cut off by the doctor holding a fork. It was a large fork. A fork Mrs. Tachibana recognized instantly.

"I... I thought I lost that thing over a year ago. Why is it..."

"Makoto's throat was very raw when our paramedics intubated him. We could only surmise that your son has been purging his food. The fork," Dr. Kinoshita continued, "may have been used because he had suppressed his gag reflex after months of vomiting. Ma'am?" Mrs. Tachibana almost collapsed in the chair. The room started to spin as she tried to process the doctors' words.

Purging. For months, perhaps even _years_. Did that make Makoto, her angelic son, the perfect child, a- what was it again?- bulimic? He overdosed as well and the doctors' muffled voices mentioned something about cutting. He almost _died_ and he wanted that.

Suicidal. That's what it was.

Mrs. Tachibana hated when her children got sick. It always meant sour moods or bad days as they weren't allowed to play outside. But she would gladly prefer Makoto come down with influenza if it meant she could replace whatever sickness her eldest had, a sickness she couldn't heal with a kiss and a hug.


	11. Chapter 11

**TW (thankfully, not too many): a lot of crying, hospital setting, self-deprecating and suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self-harm, kind of therapy, and constant pain and regret.**

 **Also, thanks for all the reviews. I was definitely not expecting the amount I got already. Thanks to everyone for the reviews! I really appreciate it!**

 **(And don't worry, everything will get better later on. It just has to get worse before that can happen.)**

* * *

Groaning, Makoto attempted to open his eyes. It was too bright. Is that what heaven is like, so bright you can't even see? Probably. Or maybe it was hell and this was just an illusion. (Can that happen in hell? Who knows or even cares. Makoto didn't care; he didn't understand religion.)

Then he heard voices around him. Some he couldn't recognize, but there was one that he could hear that... Who was it? He knew that voice. It was hushed and shaky, but it was still...

"Shh, he's waking up," another voice whispered that Makoto recognized vaguely. Something or someone was touching his head and he wanted it to stop. Why should he be waking up? Shouldn't it be the complete opposite? Still, he cracked his eyes open just a little.

"...koto?" the first voice murmured. Even with blurry vision, he could make out raven locks and puffy blue eyes. A wetness touched his cheek and Makoto attempted to flinch away from it. "Makoto, you're okay!" Haruka suddenly yelled. The bedridden boy winced. Not only was everything too bright, it was too loud.

"Haru... chan? What are you doing here?" Instead of answering, Haruka wrapped his arms around Makoto's neck in a vise-like hold.

"I was so worried about you... I thought I was going to lose you." _Is Haru crying? He can't be._ "Oh god, what would I have done without you? Makoto." He refused to let go. Definitely, because his closest and beloved friend almost _died_ \- Haruka shuddered; that word should never be used for Makoto _again_ \- but maybe because, somewhere in his mind, Haruka believed Makoto would really leave if he let go. So he hugged him tighter. Of course, without cutting off his oxygen supply.

"W-where am I?" His voice sounded so hoarse and real. Too real. He saw a lot of blue and some red from the corner of his eye. _What's Rei doing here? Why are there so many people here?_

"You're in the hospital, Makoto-senpai. We thought we wouldn't get you here in time, but..."He cleared his throat. "But you're still here with us and that's what's important right now."

Makoto looked around the room. Haruka and Rei weren't the only ones there; Sousuke, Rin, Nagisa, even Aii, and Momo were in the room. They all looked so sad. It was confusing. Why did Rei say that he was still with them? Why is he at the hospital? Why did they think they wouldn't get here in time? Why was Haruka still crying and hugging him? (He realized it was Haruka's hand on his head and was stroking his hair.) He looked up and saw a bag and screens. The screens were making beeping noises.

Monitors. That's what they were.

It crashed down onto Makoto. His vision was blurry from tears. _I didn't want this. Why would they do this to me? I can't be here. I don't belong here._

He ignored all the "It will be okay, Makoto"s and "We're here for you"s.

* * *

Therapy. Medication. Inpatient. What did it matter, really? He just wanted this to be over with. To hell with his painfully empty stomach and foggy brain. It'd be best if he just died right now. He already hurt everyone around him with a failed attempt, it wouldn't matter for it to happen a second and successful time.

He contemplated ripping the IV out of his arm when she walked back into his room. Really, her name was Suzuki Manami, but Makoto didn't have enough energy to say it, much less remember it so back to the corner of his mind it goes.

"Makoto-san, how are you doing today?" Silence. "I know you want to go home but we're all worried for you, believe it or not." He gripped the sheets. "Your family, your friends, the doctors, even I care about you. Even though we've only met yesterday, I can see what a wonderful young man you are." Still silence.

It was like that for the next hour.

* * *

It was hard.

There was no school to occupy his day and, shockingly, he didn't want to go swimming to fill in the emptiness. Haruka would give anything (yes, even his delicious mackerel) just for Makoto to be here.

The day before yesterday was very hazy except for a lot of crying and anxiety. (His heart still felt like it was racing.) He kept beating himself up mentally. How could he not notice that Makoto, the person he loves most in the world, more than his parents even, was suffering in silence? They were supposed to have an almost telepathic relationship and...

And Haruka failed. Failed _him._

Everything hurt.

* * *

What made the situation worse?

Ran and Ren. They didn't know what happened to their brother and even though Haruka wanted to tell them and cry with them while he held them close, he held his tongue. They were so innocent and weren't ready for the truth.

He was babysitting the twins for Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana while they visited Makoto at the hospital every evening. (He wanted to visit too but that would mean bringing the twins and they weren't ready to see what was happening to their brother and how much he was suffering and how lonely he was and _fuck_ Haruka wanted to cry.)

"I'm going to draw Onii-chan a cat so he'll be happy! Then he'll be able to get better faster and come home!" Ran announced and scribbled away. Right now, the twins were making get better cards for Makoto. They insisted that Haruka join them.

"Eh?! Well, I'm going to draw Onii-chan _two_ cats!" Ren challenged. Haruka tried to laugh. He really did.

But even _that_ hurt too much.

He only drew a goldfish.

It was lonely.

Whether it was him or Makoto, Haruka didn't know.

What he _did_ know was that once Makoto gets out of the hospital, he's going to bring him back home and protect him from the outside world.

But how could he do that to him? How could he protect Makoto from himself, too?


	12. Chapter 12

**TW: selective mutism, depressive thoughts, anxiety, and vomit.**

 **Thanks to everyone who's been reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it. :)**

 **Also, I am currently in the middle of writing the first two chapters of a fic titled _Blink of an Eye_ , so keep an eye out for that one! Let me just say... that one is also very sad. I love making myself feel bad. (Why do I do these thiiiiiiings?)**

* * *

He stared at the wall behind her once more, avoiding her brown eyes and her question. He didn't want to talk anymore. It was too difficult to utter a syllable about it. It hurt. A lot. So she asked a different question.

"You've been in contact with someone, correct?" He didn't nod or shake his head, but he did glance down to the sheets. Manami took that as a yes. "Would you mind telling me their name?" Makoto moved his head up and down slowly. "I'm only asking because I care about you, Makoto-san." He tightened his grip, scrunching up the sheets underneath him.

"Serizawa Nao-senpai," he muttered. "I blocked his number after calling him." Manami leaned closer. Finally, they were getting somewhere.

"Why did you block his number?" Makoto shrugged. She sighed. "I understand if you're not ready to tell me now. Once you are, I'm here to listen. Alright?" Although he didn't say anything, the young boy's grip loosened. Manami patted his shoulder and got up. "Let me get you something to eat. How about some oyster crackers and juice?" Makoto didn't respond, he just laid down on his side and curled into a ball. Manami sighed internally. She'd get him food, with or without a response. He probably hasn't eaten since the day before.

* * *

"Haru-chan?" Nagisa called out in the quiet house. As usual, the door was unlocked and he let himself in despite Rei telling him to stay back and wait. He motioned for the spectacled teen to enter the house as they searched for the raven. They found him sitting on the back porch, watching the clouds drift by. Nagisa bounced over and sat down beside him with a smile so fake it would put the greatest actors and actresses to shame. "How's your day been going, Haru-chan?" The ocean-eyed boy didn't answer or show any signs of hearing what the blonde said. Nagisa looked at Rei over his shoulder and jerked his head to Haruka's other side. Rei nodded at took his spot beside his senpai.

"Haruka-senpai, it'll be alright. Makoto-senpai, he'll... he'll see what he did was wrong and will get better. I promise you that," Rei tried to reassure the older teen. He didn't believe what came out of his mouth, so how could he expect Haruka to do just that? "Um, Haruka-senpai?" Rei followed the gaze of the freestyle swimmer to the clouds. It was fairly clear, only a few scattered puffs of condensed water droplets. Trying to make light of the situation and to change the subject, he queried, "Are you cloud gazing, Haruka-senpai? Let's join him, Nagisa-kun." He winked at the smaller boy and they nodded at each other.

"That cloud looks like a penguin! Do you see it Haru-chan, Rei-chan? Look!" Nagisa pointed at one cloud. Rei scoffed.

"I do _not_ see a penguin, I see a butterfly instead," he said, pushing his glasses higher up the bridge of his nose.

" _Rei-chan_ , you should be agreeing with me!" Nagisa whined. He got over the minor disagreement when he found another cloud to look like a basket of strawberries. "Haru-chan, what do you see?" he asked excitedly.

"For some people, it's like passing clouds," Haruka said quietly. It confused the second years. What did that mean? He continued without looking at either of them. "I feel that way sometimes, but it never stays for more than a few days. For me, they're just clouds passing through my sky. But what is it like for Makoto? Is it an ongoing storm, or is it like overcast clouds that never blow away?"

They understood. The subject never changed; Haruka was figuring out how to piece together the words he wanted to say. Nagisa wrapped one arm around the raven, Rei following him. They could feel Haruka's shoulders shaking but they remained quiet.

When the clouds began to gather and grew heavier, the three of them went inside. Ten minutes later, the clouds let the heaviness of the rain poured to the earth.

* * *

Manami tapped her nails against the table, growing more anxious as the phone rang for the fifth time. Just when she was about to give up, someone answered with, _"Hello?"_

"Yes, hello. This is Suzuki Manami. I'm a therapist at Iwatobi Hospital. Am I speaking to Serizawa Nao?" She crossed her fingers. This could be a lie, a convoluted subterfuge of Makoto's. If he could lie to everyone in his life for who knows how long he did, he could easily lie to a woman that is still practically a stranger to him.

The person on the other end inhaled sharply. _"This is Serizawa Nao. Why am I receiving a call from you, if you don't mind me asking?"_ Now, this was where it could all go wrong. Manami took a deep breath before answering.

"One of my patients claims to know you and has had contact with you for months, from what the doctors and I are suspecting. A," she paused, "Tachibana Makoto-san. Do you recognize the name-?" She was cut off by rapid-fire questions.

 _"Makoto? Is he alright? He said he'd do... do something! I tried to call him back when he hung up, but he wouldn't answer! What did he do? I couldn't live with myself if he actually did what he said he would do! Please tell me he's alright,"_ Nao rambled on.

"Serizawa-san, calm down. Makoto-san is alive," Manami cringed when she realized she said he was alive instead of alright, "but I called you because you were Makoto-san's last contact. Will you tell me what he told you before he... did whatever he told you he'd do." There was silence on the other end of the line. The only reason Manami didn't check whether or not the connection got cut off was that she could hear the clattering of what could possibly be plates.

 _"He said he was going to ki... Kill himself and he wanted to say sorry for being such a bother all these years. He said more, but... I just don't want to talk about those details as of right now. So he's alive?"_ Nao asked, trying to focus on something else. He was in the middle of lunch when his phone went off, but now he's lost his appetite. He hugged himself, waiting for an answer.

"Yes. Right now, the doctors are giving Makoto-san a nasogastric tube as he is unable to stomach solid foods at the moment." She felt a little guilty. She had stayed with Makoto to make sure he ate all of the oyster crackers and drank the apple juice. However, he had eaten far too quickly and five minutes later, he made a mess on the floor and was coughing erratically. His blood sugar had dropped slightly from not eating the past two days and his stomach was still queasy.

 _"Can... I visit him tomorrow?"_ Nao asked with hesitation. Manami smiled although the other couldn't see it.

"I think that would be perfect."

 _"Thank you."_

* * *

 **I swear to god, Nao better fix this mess. Which is weird to say, considering I'm the writer and I control the fates of these boys.**

 **(If you can't tell, I'm trying to make light of this to maintain my sanity.)**


	13. Chapter 13

**TW: lack of communication (that finna end soon), anxiety, implied crying, denial, and numbness.** **Okay, I _think_ we're reaching that sweet, sweet end of Makoto recovering because even I'm not that horrible of a person. But I am hungry right now.**

* * *

Nao opened the door slowly, almost afraid of what he would see. He shook his head, knowing just how silly his thinking was. Makoto was alive so it couldn't possibly be as terrible as what his mind was conjuring up.

Right?

He opened the door, already having come up with a good lecture for the younger man. "Makoto? It's me, Nao. I'm coming in." A small, clean room. The walls were white and there was a very nice window view. At first, it seemed like a terrible idea to put Makoto in this room, but Nao noticed two different locks on the window.

He wondered if Makoto was capable enough to jump from a window two stories up. He probably was.

The bed was at the center of the room and against the wall. There sat the patient who, despite being almost two meters tall, appeared so small and fragile. His fingers were stroking the marks on his right arm, occasionally touching the IV line as well. He doesn't look up to meet the older man's gaze, whether from guilt or to disregard him, Nao couldn't tell. He sat on the chair closest to the bed. He could see a thin tube coming out of Makoto's nose. It must've been the feeding tube.

"Good morning Makoto." The younger man looked away when Nao leaned down to meet his gaze. He furrowed his eyebrows. "Well, I'm going to talk so you might as well listen."

Makoto didn't show any other signs of acknowledgment.

"I was there for you for almost five years, Makoto. Then you suddenly decide to call and tell me about what you'll do to yourself and just- you just keep me from responding. I tried to call you, sent you hundreds of texts, and you wouldn't answer!" He inhaled deeply and lowered his voice. "I was so scared, and when your therapist called me... I was so worried for you, Makoto." Nao reached over to put his hand on Makoto's broad shoulder, but the younger man flinched away. "Makoto..."

"You shouldn't have come. You're only going to make things worse for yourself and others. I'm not important. I never was, Nao-senpai," the taller man spoke up. He was looking directly at Nao, forcing uncomfortable eye contact. Nao had to look away.

"Makoto, don't talk like that. There's so much you could do in life. All I want from you is to just live. Find someone to live for. If you can't live for yourself, live for those close to you. Maybe you don't believe at the moment, but soon you'll realize how much we all love you." Nao shuddered and his face was damp. He couldn't say anymore.

"Y'know, even after all our conversations, all your words of reassurance and encouragement," Makoto shifted with a sad smile on his face, "I still don't believe anything you tell me."

If buying mackerel for Haruka was going to distract him for a least a few hours, then goddamnit, Rin's going to do it if it's the last thing he does. He knocked on the door and waited for about seven minutes when he realized that it was unlocked. _For fuck's sake, Haru. No wonder Makoto always worries about you._

(Maybe he shouldn't say that out loud.)

"Haru, are you here?" Rin shouted in the quiet home. Why was the older teen so high maintenance? (Rin _totally_ wasn't like that. No way.) "I brought mackerel." Silence. "I swear to god- _Haru!_ " Rin shouted before running upstairs to the bathroom. Unsurprisingly, Haruka was submerged in the water, only his nostrils and eyes above it.

The redhead sighed and held up the bag. "C'mon. Let's eat."

A few bubbles in response.

"Real mature, Haru."

After practically dragging the shorter male out the bathtub and ordering him to dry off and get dressed, Rin was waiting for Haruka to finish grilling his beloved mackerel. Normally, when it was Makoto waiting, the silence was peaceful and there was no desire to fill it with chatter. However, Rin was not Makoto, the silence was not a comfortable one, and he needed to talk to Haruka.

"So, Haru. How's your day been going?" He forced a smile onto his face. Not that it mattered; Haruka's back was turned. "Sousuke and I decided to go eat out and watch a movie yesterday, but on the way to the theatres, he got lost! I spent half an hour searching for him. We missed all of the previews," Rin chuckled. Sousuke was incredibly flustered. Not from getting lost- no, that happened all the time, he'd expected it if the granola bars in his shirt pockets were of any indication- but because Rin wouldn't let go of his hand to make sure they weren't separated at the theatres.

"Numb." Haruka placed a plate of grilled mackerel in front of Rin and sat down with his own plate. He nibbled on a small piece. He grimaced; he couldn't taste the delicious mackerel.

"Huh? What was that, Haru?" Rin asked. He hadn't realized Haruka had answered him. In fact, he wasn't expecting an answer; he had already planned out an entire one-sided conversation about the movie and why, no matter how hard it tried, it could never best _Hachiko._ Nothing could best _Hachiko_.

"Well, Makoto's not here. Nothing feels good anymore, and the bad doesnt affect me anymore. It's weird feeling like this... not feeling," the raven tried to explain. Could he finish his mackerel, even if he couldn't taste it? "But I guess you want to talk about the movie. Did you get caught in the rain or did you watch it before the storm?"

"Eh- Haru," the redhead stuttered, prodding his piece of mackerel. "Do you want to talk more about it?" The smaller teen shrugged. "Because we can talk, I don't care. I'm here to listen. Just say anything."

The quiet drowned the sound of their breathing, swallowed the songs of the birds outside, pounded in Rin's ears. It truly was deafening.

"Okay." Rin grinned for real this time.

* * *

 **FINALLY, COMMUNICATION.**

 **(also, half of this was written in bed at one in the morning, so if it's crappy, there's a sorry excuse.)**


	14. Chapter 14

**TW: medication, assuming self-harm, and feelings of guilt and sadness.**

* * *

"Haru-chan, look!" Ran jumped up and shoved her drawing close to Haruka's face. He leaned back and tried to make out what it was. It was a crude drawing of hills covered with colorful flowers and a rainbow jutting out into the sky. "Isn't it pretty?"

Haruka nodded. He had to watch the twins again, but today was different. He felt... better in a way. Talking to Rin about how he felt did wonders. It removed so many weights that the ones placed on him while he cares for Ran and Ren every day were half of what they were before.

"Makoto will love it, Ran," he said just before Ren could cry out.

"Haru-chan, what about mine? Is my drawing nice?" Ren held up a less messy drawing of a large brunette (clearly Makoto) on the swings. "Onii-chan will love mine too, right?"

"Of course he will, Ren," Haruka assured. In the back of his mind, he wondered when or even if he could take the twins to the hospital or have the Tachibanas bring them with. "Make these pictures really nice so Makoto can get better and come home soon." All three returned to their drawings- Haruka was doing a portrait of him and Makoto on the beach sitting close together, and it took a lot in him not to cry- when Haruka heard the twins whispering to each other. So he wouldn't draw himself any attention, he continued to draw but strained to listen to the conversation.

"I miss Onii-chan," Ran murmured.

"Me too," Ren agreed.

"What did Mommy and Daddy say last night?"

"I think they said Onii-chan is really sad."

"Yeah. Maybe they're right."

"Right about what?"

"Onii-chan won't come home as soon as they tell us."

"Oh. Yeah. I forgot about that."

"What are you two talking about?" Haruka decided to join the conversation. Ran and Ren wouldn't look at him directly but when they did, their eyes held so much sadness Haruka's heart shattered.

"We don't like that everyone's lying to us," Ran began.

"Haru-chan, please tell us the truth. Why is Onii-chan in the hospital for being sad? Doesn't that mean _you_ should be in there too, like how Mommy and Daddy are most of the time?" Ren queried.

Haruka's mouth open and shut like a fish. His first instinct was to rapidly deny that he, his friends, and the adults in their lives were lying to the twins, but he knew that would only prove their point. He couldn't think of anything else to do. He knew the twins were still too young and unprepared for the _truth_ , the _whole_ truth, and nothing _but_ the truth. But if they understood that they were being lied to, he had to tell them a simplified version of what happened.

(He also decided to ignore that unintentional jab at his mood.)

"Makoto has been having issues for a while. He wasn't feeling well for a while," Haruka started. "He wasn't feeling well in the way that would you had to stay home from school because you have a fever-"

"So there are different ways to not feeling so good?" Ran interrupted. The teen nodded. "And that's Onii-chan, right?"

"Mm," the raven confirmed. Ren raised his hand.

"So what does that mean?" the young boy asked. "Could Onii-chan stay home because he was feeling a different kind of not good?"

"Most of the time, no. Being in school means you often have to put your mental and emotional health second. For Makoto, that wasn't a smart thing to do, but he had to. And since he places people's well-being far before his, I don't think he ever had a chance to take care of himself." Haruka wondered just how much of his spoiling affected Makoto's mental state. "Makoto's in the hospital now, so the doctors will teach him how to take care of himself once he comes back home."

He hoped Makoto was willing enough to learn.

* * *

It took him several minutes but Makoto finally swallowed the two little pills. He didn't want to take anything; he only did it to put on a show for his parents. "Happy now? I should be," he said snarkily. Mrs. Tachibana shuddered.

"Thank you, Makoto," his father said. He forced a smile on his face and straightened up in his seat. "So, let's talk. What's been going on these last few weeks, Makoto? Anything interesting happen lately?" The teenager had a deadpan expression.

"I want a pencil," he announced.

"W-why, Makoto?" his mother stuttered. He sighed almost in annoyance.

"I want to write something," he answered. He knew he shouldn't talk and act like this to his parents but he really wanted to be left alone. "Nao-senpai visited yesterday after you went home." His mother perked up visibly.

"Oh really? How did it go?" she asked anxiously. Makoto was tempted to roll his eyes.

"He was sad and crying." _How else was someone supposed to act when they're in the hospital visiting someone close to them that had an unsuccessful suicide attempt?_ "Now can I have a pencil?"

"Uh... sure," his father muttered, patting his pockets. He found a short, dull pencil in his shirt pocket. "H-here you go." The brunette took it and stared into his father's eyes. It'd been a while since he last did so.

"I'm not going to do anything bad with it. I'm just going to write a letter to Haru-chan," he informed. It relieved his parents. Then they tensed up once more when he asked, "When can Ran and Ren visit?"

"They, uh... they don't know anything yet," Mrs. Tachibana responded. Makoto clicked his tongue.

"Of course they don't," he whispered. "I need paper. And no, I'm not going to give myself paper cuts." His mom found and brought him a sheet of paper. "Thank you." Suddenly, his hand began to tremble. He hadn't seen Haruka in what felt like decades; he missed him. He wanted to talk to Haruka again. He realized something as he connected the dull lead to the paper:

If he missed Haruka as much as he did in the situation he's in right now, the raven would've _mourned_ hundredfold had he succeeded.

He almost did something so terrible that would have affected not only his family, both biological and found, but it would just about have killed the person he loved most alongside with him.

Holding back tears and swallowing guilt, Makoto began to write on the unsolid surface of his blanket-clad legs, " _Hi Haru, I miss you..._ "


	15. Chapter 15

**TW: hospital setting and anxiety attack(s).**

 **Thank you to everyone reading and those reviewing as well! I didn't expect this story to get so much love, haha.**

 **Also, please read my new story that I posted. _Blink of an Eye_. Thank you!**

* * *

"Mommy, Daddy, can we ask you something?" Ran asked during dinner. Everything felt wrong in this house. It no longer felt like a home when the person who made it one was not there. Ran and Ren now hated the empty chair across from them.

"Of course. What is it?" their mother called from the kitchen. Their father smiled at the twins to encourage them.

"Eh- your turn to talk, Ren," Ran said, passing the conversation baton to her brother. He sputtered for a few seconds but took a deep breath.

"Um, when can we go with you to visit Onii-chan? We miss him," he asked. The clattering from the kitchen ceased. Their father inhaled sharply. He was moving his lips silently. "Your turn, Ran," the young boy whispered to his sister, passing the baton back. She nodded.

"Don't lie to us either. We know not everything's okay, and Haru-chan told us so," Ran said daringly, just before Mr. Tachibana could utter an excuse.

"Besides, we drew so many pictures for him and want to give them all to Onii-chan ourselves!" Ren added.

"I don't..." Mr. Tachibana started but paused. He sighed and began again. "We will go see your brother tomorrow. Is that alright?" The twins cheered.

"Ooh, can we bring Haru-chan with us? He seems so sad without Onii-chan!" Ran added. Mrs. Tachibana chewed on her cuticle before answering.

"That would be the right thing to do. Now, finish your meal or no dessert."

* * *

To say he was scared was an understatement. He was petrified. But he had to do this. Even if it hurt more hell, it'd be torture not to see the one he loved most.

* * *

As if it were habit, Mrs. Tachibana opened the door leading into her son's hospital room with a warm smile. She was surprised to see Nao and Manami conversing behind the curtain in soft whispers. The young man waved at the family.

"Morning," he greeted. He looked back to the therapist. "I'll see myself out. Goodbye, Suzuki-san." He left the room with an almost peaceful aura surrounding him. The young woman smiled at family.

"Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana," Manami said. "We were just talking about you. Oh, and who are these beautiful children?" She bent down to meet the twins at eye level. "Are you two Ran and Ren?"

"Uh-huh!" the twins confirmed. Too late, Manami shushed them. There was the sound of rustling sheets behind the curtain. More quietly, the twins asked, "Did we wake Onii-chan?"

"Yes, but he was waking and falling asleep for hours in anticipation. What do you have there?" She pointed to the stacks of paper the children carried.

"We drew pictures for Onii-chan so he can be happy!" Ran announced with upmost pride. Ren shouted "Yeah!" in confirmation.

"Well, isn't that adorable? Here, why don't you go greet your brother? Makoto, your special guests are coming to see you!" Manami pulled back the curtain as the twins rushed past her. They jumped onto the bed and Makoto's back. He groaned and turned over, a glazed look in his eyes.

"'N? Ren?" he muttered, opening his eyes widely. Exhaustion from a restless night drained away and he was left with his two younger siblings and tears in his eyes. He hugged them tight. "Ran, Ren! I missed you two so much! Is everything okay at home?"

"Let's talk about that later," Ran interrupted.

"Yeah. Look at the drawings we made for you, Onii-chan! Aren't they pretty?"

Smiling at the scene before her, Manami turned to face the Tachibanas...

And almost leapt out of her skin when she saw black hair and blue eyes peaking into the room. "Um, excuse me?" she questioned. Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana looked behind them and chuckled.

"Haru, come here. Everything is okay now," Mrs. Tachibana reassured. Like a sloth, a lithe teenager came to view, his hands forming fists at his sides. He glared at the floor to avoid meeting the adults' eyes.

"Hello, young man. Is eveything alright?" Manami asked. Cautiously, Haruka lifted his head. His oceanic eyes were glassy, like the sea on a calm day and nothing dares to disturb the surface.

"Makoto?" His voice cracked. His heart was racing, his skin felt tight and itchy, his palms were sweaty, he was on the brink of shutting down and biting his tongue, and were it not for his fists and nails digging into his flesh, Haruka's hands would be shaking like the ground during an earthquake. But it was just another anxiety attack. No big deal.

(He almost laughed out loud at that. His friends would say otherwise.)

Manami smiled at the teenager in front of her. She stepped to the side to let him enter the room. She had a feeling that his wanting to see the other was mutual. Actually, no. It was more of a _need_.

When he heard the footsteps approaching in a way that left him feeling unprepared yet ready to face and take on the world with him, Makoto looked up from the drawing of a cat Ran made to meet Haruka's longing gaze. His breath hitched as his throat closed up. However, he was able to squeak out a small "Haru." He swallowed thickly and chewed the inside of his cheek.

"Makoto." The raven slowly approached the bed. The universe began to fade away until it was only the two of them; they didn't even notice the twins crawling off the bed or Makoto's parents and therapist watching them from the curtain. Haruka reached for Makoto's hand. When he found it, he squeezed it tight. It was warm. He let out a shuddering breath that he didn't realize he was holding. Maybe now the nightmare will end.

Before he could say anything else, Makoto pulled something out from underneath his pillow. It was a piece of paper folded in half. Makoto handed it to him. As he opened it, the anxiety returned with vengence. What would be on the paper? Would there be terrible news? Maybe this was the part of the nightmare where you know you should wake up before something destroys the peace and the worst happens.

There were words, and Haruka realized it was a letter. He didn't read it out loud.

 _Hi Haru, I miss you. I wish I could say nothing has happened, but so much has occurred. But I guess that was my fault. I suppose you will never forgive me and I understand that. I deserve it. I discovered almost too late just how much I would've put you through had I succeeded. Maybe you don't understand, but I love you. I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry._

 _Makoto_

He let go of the paper, letting it fall to the floor and ran to Makoto. He hugged him with all the strength he could muster. He sobbed as he felt Makoto's arms wrap around his shoulders.

"I love you too. Don't ever say this was your fault. None of this was your fault. Don't say sorry for something you can't help but feel. I swear, I will do whatever I can to show you just how much you mean to me, to everyone. You've done that for me," he choked out.

"Haru..." Makoto's voice broke, his fingers digging into Haruka's back.

"Just promise me one thing."

"Anything."

"If you can't live for yourself... please, live for me. Live for your family. Live for our friends. Just live for us."

"... Okay, Haru-chan." Haruka didn't dare correct him.

Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana stayed where they stood. Mr. Tachibana held his wife close as she dabbed the corners of her eyes. Manami turned to the parents of her patient.

"Please excuse me, but I want to be certain. If all goes well tomorrow, perhaps you can bring Makoto back home?"

* * *

 **ASLALS;DKADSKLJASKLSAKLSDJKAKDJKSDAJ IT'S HAPPENING!**

 **Hey, maybe you can follow me so you can get updates and find out when I upload new stories! Just an idea, hehehe.**

 **More coming soon!**

 **(Also yes, that middle part can be interpreted with either Makoto or Haru.)**


	16. Chapter 16

Nao held out the small scrap of paper to Mrs. Tachibana. He smiled.

"Just in case you need to reach me. I'm just a phone call away." Before he left, Mr. Tachibana held his arms out open. Both men hugged each other tightly.

"Thank you for being there for my son," the older man said softly. He felt the long-haired man's head move up and down.

"Of course. Take care, all of you." The young man was released from the embrace and left, waving goodbye.

"Bye!" Ran and Ren called out. Mrs. Tachibana smiled.

Tomorrow would be the day Makoto would come back home with his family. She was grateful he was not ordered to go to a mental hospital. She and her husband would never have been able to let their son go. Even if it was selfish and fulfilled their wants, Mrs. Tachibana knew her son. He wanted to go home. He wanted to get better too.

She knew he'd get better.

Haruka yawned and covered his mouth with the back of his hand. Makoto smiled weakly at him. That smile...

It finally came back. It was _his_ smile too.

"Go to sleep, Haru-chan. Don't stay awake just for me." It was still light out, only three in the afternoon, but Haruka had not been sleeping well. The circles under his eyes were unnoticeable to everyone but Makoto. He felt ashamed for being the cause of Haruka's insomnia.

He also did not need Haruka to tell him that he was the reason; he already knew.

"Not yet," Haruka said, shaking his head. Makoto smiled again. He expected such an answer. He twirled a strand of hair from his bangs. "Makoto?" the raven asked. The brunette looked up and smiled again. Their connection never weakened; it might have even strengthened these past few days.

"Yes, Haru-chan?" Haruka shifted and faced Makoto. He intertwined their fingers together.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too," the brunette said with a smile.

"And stop with the -chan already."

* * *

Before he even took a step inside, Makoto already felt the wave of homesickness hit him. He had only been in the hospital for almost two weeks, but it was like being kept away from home for two centuries. He could not imagine what it felt like for Haruka and his family.

He sat in the living room when there was a knock on the door. One of his parents opened the door and he could hear soft whispering. A moment later, there was a gentle stampede of his friends running to the couch Makoto sat on. Nagisa threw himself onto the brunette's lap.

"Mako-chan!" the blond cried. Makoto hugged his friend close.

"Hey, Nagisa. Hey guys," he greeted the others. They were all there- Haruka, Nagisa, Rei, Rin, Sousuke, even Aiichiro and Momotarou. He frowned. "I'm so sorry."

"Hey," Rin spoke first. "It's not your fault. Haru told us everything he knew you were comfortable with us knowing." A tiny smile broke Makoto's countenance.

"Too bad I have to start taking medication, but I think it will help me a lot. Hopefully," he added uncertainly. "I just hope that Ran and Ren never go through what I did. They don't deserve that. No one deserves that."

"Neither did you," Sousuke corrected. Nagisa whimpered and hugged Makoto tightly. He smiled. Haruka sat next to him and held his hand. It was very warm, as it should be.

For the first time in years, surrounded by people who cared for him, Makoto was happy.

* * *

 **Thus, the end of Fallen Angel. Hope you all enjoyed this (late) last chapter. Please read my other stories and follow, favorite and review! You can also follow me on Twitter, my username on my profile! Thanks and I'll see you all soon!**


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